Don’t – forgive me

  

Because I never forgave myself. I could never let go of the fact that I destroyed us. And I don’t expect you to understand but I was  afraid.

Only if you knew the hurt and the pain I’ve put myself through will you understand why I was so afraid of you. You were too good. Too good to be true. I kept thinking that I didn’t deserve this and one day it will be taken away from me. True enough, here I am all alone again.

Do you know what it feels like? To have someone you finally thought you could settle down with. Someone who brought out the best in you. Someone you wanted to work it out with. It scares the shit out of you. 

I got scared. I got so damn scared because that’s not normal. Not normal by my standards. None of my exs made me feel like getting my shit together. None of them gave me the time to heal and open up. None of them but you. 

I didn’t dare believe I finally had the person I was wishing for. I kept pushing. Kept running. Kept hiding. I didn’t know if you were real. I didn’t know how any of that was real.

I’m so used to the constant meltdowns. The brokenness. The fights. That when all of that went away, I got scared. Our okay wasn’t normal to me. And I get that you couldn’t understand that. But if one day you do, know that I didn’t mean it. I never meant for any of this. I loved you. I truly did.

But now you’ve messed me up just like those before you. And on days I can’t find it in me to forgive you. I hate you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for giving the time to open up and you walk away when I bore all my scars to you. Sometimes I wish I never met you. I hate you.

But I love you too. So please understand that my broken heart is still trying to love. Understand that I’m falling apart because I hate myself for doing this to you. I hate myself  for still loving you after you checked out on me.

I hate you but I love you. I love you but I hate you. I don’t even get it myself so I wouldn’t expect you to get it.

Get out of my life. I don’t want to see you again.

I do it so often it doesn’t even hurt anymore.  

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Grow – old with me

  

Remember how we used to hold each other and talk about us. How I would lie on you and ask you – what if we didn’t work out. And you would say – we will take things one step at a time.

Remember how we used to be so open with each other. How I would tell you my deepest darkest fears. And you would say – it’s okay, I wouldn’t do that to you.

Remember how we used to take long walks and talk about the army. How you would ask me what I thought about it. And I would say – I don’t know much but I’ll still support you in whatever you do.

Remember how we used to be there for each other. How you would remain silent. And I would know something is up and just be by your side. 

I remember all that. All that and so many more.

What we built together was something I could never find in anyone else.

And I know it doesn’t seem like it. But I loved you more than I did for anyone else.

I’m sorry it ended this way. And I’m sorry I didn’t try hard enough.

All I ever wanted was to grow old with you. Grow old with you and do that for many years to come.

I miss you.

Slip – away

  
So this is how it feels like. To no longer know why you’re trying. To not know why you’re fighting so hard. 

Reasons dissolved, like dropping a salt rock into the sea. Feeling nothing but a hollow void. I cannot promise you things will be the same.

This time, it took a toll on me. I no longer feel the want and desire to keep holding on. I no longer feel deserving of the love you bestow on me. I no longer want to be a liability.

This time, I cannot promise you I’ll try again. Unless you hold me, I will slip through your embrace. I will let go. I will walk away. Because I no longer have the strength to hold on to you. 

Her – late night thoughts


I am tired of waiting around. Waiting for a reply of some sort. Tried of rationalising so much. Tired just tried.

I’m not upset that you have other commitments. Family time. Work. What nots. We all have commitments. I don’t expect you to give me all of your time. But I do expect you to give me some of your time.

I’m upset because I know if it were me, I would try to stay awake a bit longer to catch up with you for a bit. I’m upset because I would have given more. I’m upset because I did in fact give more but you didn’t. 

I’m upset because it seemed like you didn’t even try. Came and go as and when you liked. Said a few lines for the sake of it. And then disappeared. But I waited like some idiot. Pushed myself to stay awake a little longer. Hoping for the slightest chance that you would be awake. You ain’t the only one who is exhausted.

It is hard enough that every holiday I barely get to spend time with you. Everyone is overseas with their better halves and every holiday I just wait for their stupid letter to take you away.

Just the other day, it finally hit me that the only only only time we went out proper was for my birthday. The rest were just dinner or lunches or studying together. Maybe a few hours on the couch here and there. I joke about it. I laugh it off. But sometimes, it’s really quite sad that I just don’t get your time. Not much of it at least.

I knew what I signed up for. I knew that time was hard to come by. And I’m okay. I’m okay with not being able to fly off and see the world together. I’m okay with short meet ups. I’m okay.

But I’m not okay that you take my patience and understanding for granted. Just because I put up with it doesn’t mean you can just sit back, relax and not try. Even appreciating the effort is enough. It doesn’t make much to say thank you.

Maybe it’s be being a salty ass bitch again. Maybe it’s me being unreasonable again. Maybe it’s always just me being unhappy.

But I really really hate it when my efforts are not reciprocated or at least appreciated. Hate it. And I’m tired of expecting so much.

So this is me taking a step back. Taking the back seat. I don’t want to put in so much only to get short changed and hurt again.

I am tired.

From – his perspective

She left again. Without turning back or saying good bye. She wouldn’t even let me hold her. She is broken.

I watched as she walked further and further away from me. I didn’t give chase. I didn’t know if she wanted me there.

Went back up to the library to grab my things. I wanted to be there for her. But will she let me?

My phone rang. She called. I asked her if she was okay. Her only response was “where are you”. I told her I was in the lift heading to the platform. She said she was sitting around if I wanted to find her. The lift stopped. The doors opened and I hastily got out looking for her.

I see her.

I threw my bag beside her and knelt in front of her. She wouldn’t look up. Then tears fell from her eyes. I tried to catch them but they were one too many. I hugged her and asked if she was okay. She said she wanted to go home. So I look her home.

On board the train, I held her in my arms. Rubbed her back. Kissed her forehead. Offered to hold her books but she refused. I pulled her in as close as I could. Held her so tight and told her it will be fine. I just wanted her to know that I was there.

She wouldn’t stop crying the whole way home. Helplessness filled her soul. Flustered. Worried. Scared. She was falling apart. I looked at her eyes. Those that were once filled with joy and hopefulness are now void of emotions. She is at it again. Her emotions were eating her alive.

I brushed her hair aside and kissed her forehead. I wish she knew that I’ll do anything to save her. I held her arms in my hand. Traced those scars with my finger tips. My heart ached. Why would she do this to herself. Why can’t she see what I see in her.

I looked down at the girl I was holding in my arms. She is such a bundle of joy. She is my source of comfort and support. She is the witty one whose quirky ways always make me smile. But when those horrid emotions take over, I lose her.

She hurts herself. She hates herself. She asks me to find someone else. But I can’t. And I won’t. Because she is the one I want and need.

It hurts me so much more to see her self-destruct and I can’t do anything about it. I just want her back. Give her back. Please.

I looked down at her still sobbing away in my arms. God please protect her when I am not there. Keep her safe.

I wish she knew how wonderful of a person she is. I wish she knew how much I love her. I wish she knew that she is enough for me and always will be.

I pulled her in and squeezed her. Gently landing a kiss on her cheek.

The train bell rang. It’s time to alight. 

Love, him. 

Remember – this

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You are sitting on the swing this one fine night.

A clear night where the stars twinkle in harmony, as if grooving to Gwen Stefani. Watch the lightweight clouds drift by, ever so gently brushing against the deep blue sky.

This little game of hide and seek the stars play. Giggling as they hide behind the clouds, somewhere far far in the milky way. Let out a smile.

When the cool night breeze falls on you, take a deep breath. And let the deep of the night lift your emotional death.

As you sit under the dark starry sky and watch as time passes by.

As you find solace on this quiet night and hope that everything will be alright.

Remember this.

Remember that he constantly thinks about you.

He knew you had a long day and offered to pick you up from school. He didn’t mind that travelling to your place and back to his was an hour long journey. He didn’t expect you to laugh so hard at his terrible choice of clothes. But he was glad he made you laugh anyway. He held your hand as you nodded off in the car, catching a glimpse of his sleeping beauty every once in awhile. He was glad it was your hand he was holding. He felt blessed.

Remember that he puts up with your tantrums.

He knew when you are angry and didn’t mean what you say. He took in those hurtful words and still put up a smile. All because he knew those words did not come from you. He knew when you are under the weather and had little patience to spare. And yet each time you flared, he was always there. There to take you back in. Back into his forgiving embrace.

Remember that he always places you before himself.

He knew when you needed some company, especially when things got a little bit crazy. He did have stuff on his plate but always made time when you are in that sad dejected state. He would take the long route back, just so he could hold your hand. Sometimes sending you to the door even when he knew he was the home you were yearning for.

Remember that he is not perfect.

That he forgets to submit assignments and occasionally needs reminders. That he sometimes experience great distress because unable to express those emotions he feels deep within his chest. That he knows better to tell you the truth but lies in a moment of folly. And just when you think – oh my golly, he shows up at your place with nothing but an apology.

Remember that he tries his best.

That he is only human and will fall short. Short of expectations and unrealistic presumptions. That when words are inadequate, he will still try to communicate his care and concern. And at times when he can’t be there physically, he always tries to do something else in return.

And above all.

Remember that he loves you a lot.

That his heart does break when you feel like abandoning ship. But he never leaves because he knows what you have with him is more than platonic friendship. Push him hundreds of times away. And he will come back hundreds plus one times because he is here to stay. He knows crystal clear that you’re the one for him. And will patiently wait for the day you lose the disbelief.

Remember this.

Remember this on nights you are not feeling it.

Remember this on days you think he doesn’t care.

Remember this when your insecurities haunt you.

Remember.

Remember.

Remember.

That these are the very reasons you fell in love with him in the first place.

And that he first loved you.

 

And I know these scars will bleed // But both of our hearts believe // All of these stars will guide us home

Unexplainable – sadness

  

Ask me to describe sadness.

And I’ll say I can’t.

Sadness isn’t the tears that stream down your face. It isn’t the cries of helplessness. It isn’t the pain you feel when your heart is broken into a million pieces. All these are nothing but manifestations of sadness.

Sadness stems from a place so far within. Lost. Forgotten. Hidden. Subtle like an ombré. The shades of happiness slowly sinks into a deep abyss.

It creeps in like the dark of the night. Unsuspecting and unprepared, it quickly engulfs the soul. Before you can grasp for air, it’s heaviness weights down on you. An air of oppression surrounds and you struggle to breathe.

Occassionally, when a ray of light cuts through the darkness, it scurries to hide. But the moment the ray flickers and dims, it follows closely behind. Every ready to extinguish the little joy there is.

Sadness is this incomprehensible feeling. Sombreness that digs inwards. To the very core of your being.

Dim – the lights

 

When people talk about love, they talk about the sparks that fly. The unquestionable chemistry. The moment they knew it was forever.

But no one ever talks about how fucking hard it is to stay in a relationship. Having to choose that same person day after day. On days he looks the best – hair comb, neat suit and a tie for bonus points. And on days he looks absolutely dreadful – old shirt, flipflops, unshaven and extra bad breath. And even on days you feel like tossing him out of the window because you’re so mad at him.

You wake up every single day. To the same man. And decide to be with him. You choose. Consciously. That he’s the one you want to spend your life with.

But what happens when you wake up to this same man. And you realise you can’t choose him anymore. You can’t bring him into your arms when he’s heavy hearted. You can’t look pass the disappointment, the anger, the helplessness and still love him. You can’t say it’s him anymore.

What happens when that day you can’t choose him. And don’t choose him. Comes.

One slip of the glass and this will be all over.

Managed – expectatios

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Last night. This morning. Was magical. It was as if the past didn’t matter. Our debts were cleared. Our pain were forgotten. It was just you and me.

That laugh I miss hearing. The subtle mocking that I didn’t mind. Losing myself in the comfortable silence is something I wouldn’t mind doing over and over again.

When we are open. Vulnerable. Raw. Real. Those are the moments that make me believe again. That after all these time, nothing has changed. It is like how they say in the movies. It was as if time stood still for that two hours. And nothing else mattered.

But amongst all the comfort and familiarity. We knew that when the morning comes, this moment will be nothing more than a memory. Something that will be forcefully tucked away in the deepest parts of our minds.

When the day comes, we find ourselves in place of recognition and defeat. Creating distance. Building walls. We crush every bit of hope and replace it with fear, confusion and “logical thinking”.

So I grew to hate these special moments with you. Because I knew that when goodbyes are said, everything will revert back to how it always has been. Cold. And. Distant.

And I could never understand why we play these games.

After – you

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Maybe love just works like this.

Maybe even after all these time, I will still miss running my hand through your hair. Leaning on your boney but broad frame will still be my favourite thing to do when I am with you. Tilting my head to your neck and catching a whiff of your shampoo. Head and shoulders. No Neutrogena. Or was it Garnier. You laughing at how I can never remember what brand will still be my best memory of us. Seeing you smile will still warm my heart.

Maybe every time I see you, I will still get nervous. Looking into your eyes will still send my heart racing at a hundred kilometres an hour. Being around you will still make me feel at home. Silly jokes. Quirky expressions. Holding back on mean comments will impossible.

Maybe once in a while, I will still think about us. Smiling foolishly as I recall the stupid things we did will still be part of my bus rides home. Hearing our songs will still remind me of how you will get a tad angry when I forced you to sing. You never liked singing. You said you can’t sing and sound like a frog. Neither can I. But no one cares when it is just us. Still, you always get annoyed. You were cute like that.

Maybe on your birthdays, I will still wish I could undo some things. Not showing you what you really meant to me will still leave me with regrets. Getting upset at you for the silliest of reasons will still haunt me in my sleep. Accidentally getting too close to good guy friend will still be thing I wish I hadn’t did. Cross my heart. I never had anything for him. Never did. Never will. Still, it hurt you.

Maybe sometimes in the night, I still wish we had second chance. Hugging with the stuff toy you gave me will still be the only I can fall asleep. Staring at the ceiling feeling that you are so close yet so far will still make my heart sink. Wishing I could make up for everything will still be the last thought on my mind. Was young and foolish. Am older and still in denial.

Maybe for the rest of my life, I will still have a soft spot for you. Text me in the middle of the night and I will still stay up talking until you fall asleep. Reading too much between your lines will still give me tiny false hopes. Getting all close and then leaving will still be something I let you do over and over again. Asking myself why will still be a question I ask myself all the time. And I may never have an answer. But I guess that’s okay.

Maybe you will always mean something more to me.

Maybe I will always hold you close to my heart.

Maybe it will always be this way.

But maybe I need to understand that even though you will always be very dear to me. I cannot go back to five years ago. I cannot undo anything I did. I cannot fix this broken trust. I cannot heal two broken souls. I cannot keep you.

I cannot make you love me again.

So even if this is all it is going to be for the next five years.

I can live with that.

 

I guess this is what they meant when they said – first true love.