Lies – second nature

I’m such a good liar that it scares me sometimes. They say you can lie to everyone but yourself. What happens if you actually come to a point where you can lie to yourself? Well that’s where I am now.

Yes I do put up a facade and make it seem as though I’m happy when I’m not. But why do I do it? It’s because I see everyone around me suffering when I’m down so I guess acting like I’m fine will solve the problem. Yes, call me chicken for all I care. I just don’t want to face my problems. All I do is keep running away and pretending they don’t exist.

When things catch up with me and I break down, people think I’m getting all depressed and all again. Truth is I was always unhappy… Just that I bottled it up and showed a smily face to everyone so that they wont worry about me. Misunderstood. Just like a clown who makes everyone happy but deep down is just lonely.

Honestly I feel so numb and tired. I really just don’t want to care about anything anymore. I don’t even know what or what is real or fake. Feels like life is just a lie and we are just going through the motion.

I begin to wonder…. Why do we do what we do? Don’t you think that your life is already predestined. Let say you’re born without limbs… Naturally what you can work with will be lesser than a normal person… Your prospects will usually be lesser than a normal person. In that case, if we are already limited by what we have, why do we still try so hard to excel and achieve? Though we may have a chance to succeed, but really, face it. How many or us actually do succeed?

My mind is just exploding with questions. Questions about life. My life. Am I really satisfied and happy with who I am, what I am, where I am? I don’t know.

I barely know who or what I am now. Such a good liar.

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