Clarity – sudden realisation

I’m so tired I’ve reached a threshold. I can’t take this anymore. Can’t anyone give me a break. One thing after another. It’s really emotionally draining. Can’t you tell that when I feel bad… You must have meant something to me? If not I wouldn’t even care.

Asked if you’re okay. And “I’m fine” is what I get back as a reply. Nice try. I may not be all that bright. But I’m not a fool. And the worst part is, you know I can tell when you’re okay and when you’re not. Then why even bother trying to hide. And lie. These little things you do makes me feel like you’re not able to open up to me. So be it.

But think of it realistically, how do you expect two people who are unable to come clean with each other to be close.. And maybe even more than that. Just don’t make sense. Well at least not to me. I don’t like it.

If I’m not comfortable enough to tell you my problems, it most probably means that you’re not as close as you think you are. I just hate it when people force their way in. I painstakingly build this wall around me and I ain’t gonna let you in that easily.

Well truth is, I’m tried of letting people in only to have them leave sometime down the road. When you’ve finally built a strong relationship with that person and they leave. Be it because of different life paths, quarrels or anything else. Can’t anyone just stay for a tad longer. Perhaps then I wouldn’t feel like such a failure.

Everyday I keep blaming myself. If I had done things differently. Would she have stayed? Would he still be close to me? All the possible scenarios play in my head. Heart filled with regrets. I can only sigh.

What I’m most upset about today is that. Yes, what they say makes sense. It ain’t even my fault to begin with so I shouldn’t be felling bad. But the fact I did meant that I do care about you. Felt so bad I didn’t even feel like eating my dinner and I left a note for you.

For that moment, it seemed like everything was my fault. But after much thought, no its not. You were just overreacting. And when I asked nicely, you replied with a lie. Then I realised: why do I even bother. I tried to be nice.

I hate it that you think I’m already yours or something. Give me some room. Some space. I need to breathe. I keep giving in. Tolerating. I don’t want to do this anymore. Perhaps I really should stop being nice.

People who don’t appreciate what I do. Don’t deserve my care and time. I really don’t think ill ever wanna talk to you again. Feels like your pushing your limits. Just leave me alone. I’m much happier that way.

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