Hidden – not eliminated

Why was I so upset yesterday? Thought about it but still now I don’t really have an answer. Sudden rush or emotions. The anger I’ve tired to so hard to suppress.

It was so scary that the old me came back. Perhaps it’s still inside me that hideous monster. I tried to hide it. I thought I overcame it. I was wrong.

All I can ever do is control it. Keep it within me longer. Is this an improvement? Or is this just a impending sign that something terrible is going to happen. When you keep things inside for too long, and finally decide to let it all out, things can get out of hand. Out of control.

Scared. Afraid. That that might happen. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I don’t want to create trouble. I wish I have more control over my emotions.

It was then, I knew. I wasn’t ready. Any rash decision would only result in more hurt. Self control I pray to have. Don’t want history to repeat itself.

Jumping into things. Doing things based on feelings. I must stop all my childish behaviour and start growing up. Enough of these silly promises.

How can I take care of someone when I can barely save myself. How can I understand someone when I barely know myself.

Taking too many things into hand. When sometimes. You’ve just got to let go and let God. Tell myself that everyday. And it doesn’t seem to be working. As they always say: Easier said then done.

Then the trouble is… How do you let go? Just not care? Run away? Or hide everything away?

I hope I can come up with a good enough explanation later. But truth is I still have no answer….


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