Emotions – mixed up

Perhaps all I am is a troublemaker. Causing you to spend so much time on me that your two good friend think that you’re drifting from them. I really hope they know that ill never be able to replace them. And honestly. I think they mean much more to you than me. I’m fine with that. Given how badly I treat you. I wouldn’t be surprised. I hope you’ll give up soon. I think it’s for the better.

I’m really sorry. Perhaps I should distance myself from you. Because I know all these mixed signals is only going to end up in a big mess. But the only thing stopping me from doing that is you. You don’t want it. I’m stuck. Doing what’s right. Or doing what you say. I am this close to doing what’s right. But every time I do it. Things be one awkward and there’s so much tension. It’s not going to work. I’ve got to find another way to do it.

Sometimes I really feel like I should distance myself from my “xiao di”. I don’t know anymore. It’s quite wrong that I spend more time with him than she does with him. And to a certain extent I know him better. I know she understands thats we are so because we are classmates. But sometimes it doesn’t feel right. And I know that he will be quite upset and think it’s rather stupid that I think that way. I just hope you two are okay.

Another reason why I feel like shooting myself in the head. I really feel like I’m toying with you. But don’t get me wrong. It’s unintentional. It’s just a mess of emotions inside of me. Peer pressure. Pressure from you. Just everything. Mixed together. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what to think. As far as I’m concerned. My answer will always be a “no”. I don’t want to give false hopes or anything. I just don’t know what I’m doing. Confused.

She’s right listen to her. And honestly…. I think you’re more suited with her. Why try so hard for me when you know you might not even stand a chance. Shouldn’t you just go to her? I think you wouldn’t have to try half as hard. And the probability of her saying “yes” is double that of mine.

Okay cannot. What am I thinking. That’s not what you want. And that’s wrong too. Sigh. Why do things have to be so complicated.

Maybe I should really just distance myself away from everyone. I don’t get why drama always comes knocking on my door. I just want to lead a simple life. I really feel quite bad and helpless. Not knowing what to do. Perhaps this is the reason why I don’t really like having too many close friends.

Perhaps that conclusion was a bit far fetched. I guess it’s just unfortunate that things are in a mess. Confused people. Can’t really blame them.

Maybe it’s time to just distance myself from everyone and just not care. I’m quite scared and lost. Sigh idk. Hope things turn out fine….

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