Uncovered – no more hiding

This is going to be such a long post because i have so much to say. If you ever happen to see this. Which is unlikely.. I just wanna say thanks for cheering me up when I was down. Somethings, I really can’t lie about. And don’t see a need too.

That day when I was so pissed off I just left and went home alone. I really didn’t expect you to come after me. Much less send me home. We had a long talk. And honestly I meant every word I said then. I really did feel better after having a mini heart to heart talk with you. Really appreciate it.

It has been quite a while since I poured out to someone. That’s because I don’t know who can handle the truth. Who can handle the real me. Honestly, I really wanted to tell you more. But I just wasn’t sure. That you’ll accept me for me. I just didn’t dare because I didn’t want to lose you. There were so many times I wanted to say everything out. But I really just didn’t dare because I knew if I did things won’t be the same anymore.

Finally today, I couldn’t take it anymore because I didn’t want to keep lying to you. You deserve to know the truth. The whole truth. Guilt stricken. I see how hard you’re trying. I see it. I feel it too.

I am not going to lie. If you actually held on long enough, I fall for you. Yes I’m that kind of girl. If you invest enough time and effort into me, you’ll win my heart in no time. I’m that easy to get. Perhaps that’s why I feel like I can be easily disposed too.

That explains why my parents always remind me time and time and time again not to get too close. Because i fall for anyone who’s always there for me. If you know my past, you’ll know why I am like that. I don’t wish to be this way either. It’s just unfortunate.

I’m really trying my best. But I find it such a pity that because of this I’ll end up losing a good friend. It’s for the best I guess. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to have another one. Because I know. I’m no longer strong enough to lose my best friend. And yet again another part of me. When someone is so close to you, you lose a part of yourself when they leave. Everyone who was once close to me left me. If you’ve been through it you’ll know how I feel.

Whatever happens. I’m okay with it. Because I know I created this mess. If there should be anyone who is responsible for it. It should be me. But the least I can do is thank you for everything.

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I’m sure this is something familiar. Thanks for being the plant for me. I know you always feel like you’re not the one who’s able to cheer me up. Everyone else around you is doing a better job. But hey, let me tell you. You’re one of the few people who actually listens to me when I need someone to talk to. What really matters ain’t the cheering up. But listening. Anything can make me happy. Even people who don’t know I’m upset can make me happy. But i don’t go around telling everyone how I am really feeling. You have been the plant that I talk to and share my feelings to. I know I keep saying “I’m fine” and “nothing is wrong”. But eventually I still say why I’m so upset. And time after time, you keep trying to make me happier or simply be there for me. I’m glad I met you.

You have done so much for me. And yet I do this to you. I’m really not worth it. Who was the one who so patiently taught me how to huck. Who was the one who encouraged me when I felt like giving up. Who was the one who called me and listened to me freak out. Who was the one who bet with me for blocks. (That actually motivated me to study.) Who was the one who made me stay and not drop out.

You.

I just don’t want to hurt you anymore. That’s why I want to distance myself from you. I warned you why didn’t you listen. I’m at fault too. I wasn’t capable of doing the right things at the right time. Confused girl I am.

I rather you hate me. Not talk to me. Give up on me. Anything. Just don’t give in to me. Or ill never be able to forgive myself.

I owe you a good explanation. This time. No lies.

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