Tired – of being me

When you’re so upset you don’t even feel like blogging about it. The only reason why I started blogging is because I wanted an outlet for me to say my true feelings. Vent my anger. Or just reflect about things. But now.. I don’t know. Feels like I’m back to square one. I just want to keep everything inside me again. When will I ever wake up from this nightmare. Is it really that hard to be happy?

Sometimes I wonder. Why do I let everything affect me. Why can’t I be indifferent. Just not care. Live my life oblivious of what’s happening around me.

I feel too much. I care too much. That’s why I always get taken advantage of. I really don’t mind putting others before me because that’s what I enjoy doing. But sometimes, I feel like I’m doing so much but no one appreciates it. Not that I am seeking for attention. But a “thank you” can really make my day.

I think I’m getting better at this. No one realised I was upset. The facade I’m putting up again. I just don’t want to let my mood affect others. So I pin up and smile on my face. All of you bought it. I guess that’s good because that’s what I wanted. But wouldn’t it be nice to have someone say to you “Stop hiding, I know you’re not okay.”

Then again it’s really unfair to make people constantly guess how you’re feeling. When they ask if you’re upset and you reply that you’re okay, you shouldn’t expect them to ask you over and over again. They will ask a few times. And if you keep denying, sooner or later they will buy it. Then don’t blame them for not caring. And get upset. They did care. You pushed them away. Story of my life. Lessons learnt the tough way.

I honestly can’t wait for the day I get so used to everything that I become numb to it. Tired of feeling.

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