Silent – screams

I may seem cool and all. Acting as if I can handle everything. Not get affected. Put all emotions aside and focus on what is important.

Truth is no. I am not all that strong. I am crumbling inside. Cannot hold this much longer. I keep thinking. Keep worrying. What to do. What to say. What everything. It is just one big mess. Can only blame myself.

Why did I not handle it properly before. Why did I jump the gun. Why did I get others involved. Why did I give in. Why did I not have self-control. Why did I let myself stoop so low. Why do I even exists.

I am a troublemaker. No doubt about it. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. Then those around me will not need to suffer anymore. My greatest nightmare has turned into a reality. Now I do not even have the option of waking up to run away from everything. I am tired. Stressed out. Helpless. Whatever you two are feeling. I am getting double of it. Why. Simply because I am the cause of the problem.

Why do things always have to turn out like this. Guess, sometimes, it does not pay to be nice. That nice at least. Figured that I cannot please everyone.

Many think it is nice to be sought after. Wanted by many. I beg to differ. Not fun at all. To me. At least.

Additional love? No. Additional guilt. Because ultimately you can only choose one. And reject the rest. And there goes your friendship. True. You can try to mend things. But it will never be the same. Just like a broken vase. No matter how hard to try to piece it back together. It will never look the same as before. Cannot blame them. They are hurt.

Additional happiness? No. Additional worrying. Especially when you care for all of them. Afraid you will lose them. Scared that your actions will hurt them. Or give them false hope. Restricted and confined. No longer having the freedom you use to have. The comfort in their presence. Now. Every move you make is calculated. You no longer feel like yourself.

I do not even know what is the right thing to do now. Just got a real bad feeling that I will lose everything. If it does turn out that way. Nothing I can say. Retribution for all the bad things I did and all the people I have hurt. Just waiting to see how the outcome will be like. Mentally preparing for the worst.

Then again. That can be a good thing too. Least I can start all over. This time. From a fresh new page.

This close to strangling myself. Put a gun on my head and end it all. Maybe one of this days I will go to the beach and scream my head of. Embarrassing? Definitely. Least I do not lose my sanity.

Nothing else to say. What is done is done. I will take full responsibility for everything. Can only brace myself for the worst. Suck it up and move on.

Only thing on my mind now – God please help me.


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