Touched – not quite

Pencil: I am sorry…

Eraser: For what? You didn’t do anything wrong.

Pencil: I am sorry because you get hurt because of me. Whenever I made a mistake, you’re always there to erase it. But as you make my mistakes vanish, you lose a part of yourself. You get smaller and smaller each time.

Eraser: That’s true. But I don’t really mind. You see, I was made to do this. I was made to help you whenever you do something wrong. Even though one day, I know I’ll be gone and you’ll replace me with a new one, I’m actually happy with my job. So please, stop worrying. I hate seeing you sad.

Hard to believe I once said this to someone. Someone who meant a lot to me. Now. Having this sent back to me by the same person whom I sent to. I do not really know how to feel about. Happy? Touched? That some is willing to do all that for me. That finally someone is willing to invest as much I am willing to invest in him.

Instead of feeling all those. I felt something more negative. Sadness. That someone had to send me that. To remind me of who I was. And no longer is. The amount of sacrifice that I was willing make for those who I cared for. Now. I cannot bring myself to do half as much as what I used to.

So much has changed since the year started. Beginning to think that I was foolish to have invested so much into so many people. Only to have them leave me. Stupid to have allowed them to pin all the blame on me. Too soft hearted that I forgave them almost instantaneously.

She was right all along. Sometimes. It does not pay to be too nice. Too kind. Because all people do is take advantage of you. In life. It is every man for himself.

Yes perhaps he is right. I have not let go. Let go of the hurt. Well. If you were me. I am sure you will have trouble letting go too. Considering those who left were those you thought would never leave. Foolish of me to think that they will stay.

I got though the past six months. Somewhat alone. Thank those who have helped me along the way. But most of the time. It was always me. Trying to convince myself to hang on. To move on. To start all over. Drag myself up and keep moving forward. I have been fine. All this while. Alone. So why do I need anyone back. Or should I even let any one of you back into my life. I am finally piecing everything back together. And I do not wish for anyone to mess it up again.

And people wonder why I build my walls up so high. Tired of getting hurt. Tired of explaining myself because no one understands.

You know my story. So stop complaining when I push you away. You are partly the reason why am I like that. Not blaming you though. It is all in the past. And the past is over. I still find it hard to believe that the one who caused all this can fix it. But if you insist. Then go ahead. Have a shot at it.

I am not letting anyone in. So do not force your way in. If you want to try mending things. Go ahead. I am not stopping you. Just do not get upset when I refuse to let you in. Or shove you aside. Or disappointed when things do not turn out they way you planned it to be. It is just my defense mechanism.

It is to late to turn back. I am not going back there anymore.


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