Unexpected – not how I imagined it to be

So glad promotional exams are over. (Well. Actually it was over yesterday but I was too busy having fun and too lazy to write anything.) Finally time to myself. Time to laze around and just do nothing. Free time is just so hard to come by nowadays. They say you have to work for it. I think so too.

I am just glad I survive and completed my exams. Did not really perform to the best of my ability. But nothing much I can do about it now. Sigh. No use crying over split milk. Hopefully my grades are good enough for me to promote and bad enough for me to psycho myself into studying during the holidays.

Now that I do not have to spend my entire day revising and all. I have more time to think and reflect on things. Love having time to myself. To consolidate thoughts and find more about myself. Funny how we can understand others so well. But will never be able to truly understand our conflicted self.

Side note. I really like the silence now. It’s pretty nice. Calming effect. No one screaming at me to study. No music. No disturbance from my siblings because they are all studying. Rarely get this. Enjoying it while it lasts.

So much has happened lately. I do not even know where to start. Sigh. Wish I could care less but guess not.

At this point. I really wish he did not come back. Sigh. I mean I was quite happy the way I was before. Now there is just so much bothering me and no one to tell it to. Prior to his return things were not exactly the way I wanted it to be. But at least I was happy. Now. I am just so troubled. Back to square one. Now that he is back. I somewhat got what I wanted or hoped for. But it does not feel right. Maybe what they say is true. What you want may not be what you need.

I really do not think it is worth it to lose a good friend over something like this. I knew things are never going to be the same anymore. I understand. But sigh. It is just sad. Cannot really blame him for doing that because ultimately he is the victim. Now. I. Really. Want. To. Shoot. Myself. In. The. Head.

See why I sometimes wish I did not exist. Because all I ever do is drag people into my problems and screwed them up. The number of people I have hurt in the pathetic seventeen years of my existence. I. Hate. Myself. To. The. Core. And I am not even kidding. I do not even get how people can be egoistic and self-absorbed. Like hello. We humans are so flawed. How can you like yourself so much that it becomes an obsession? Things I can never comprehend.

I do not think I will ever let anyone in again. I really cannot forgive myself anymore. Sometimes I wonder. Why am I so evil. Why. Why. Why. I mean I never really wanted to hurt them. It sucks even more since they mean quite a fair bit (a lot) to me.

Someone. Kill. Me. Now. I do not even think it is guilt I am feeling. It is more of sadness. Like. The “I lost a good friend” feeling again. Regret maybe. Why. Do. Things. Always. Have. To. Turn. Out. This. Way. Sigh. I guess I saw this coming. Someone will have to give in. And I knew he would do it.

Well. Actually I thought I will lose both of them. Because I refuse to make a choice. But. Now that I am somewhat losing him. It really hurts. As in. What was I thinking. Losing both. Will kill me. One is bad enough. What more two. I guess such things really ruin friendships. Why. Does. This. Have. To. Happen. He was the first close friend I made this year. Sigh.

I guess. It is best for him. Sigh. I do not even know what to say. Can tell he is really tired. I just know it. He deserves this break. And he deserves better. But things will never be the same again. All I can say is that I think I might have taken him for granted. (Shoots myself.) He has been there for me this entire year. Well maybe he did not really know how to handle me but at least he tired. I guess. I owe quite a fair bit of what I have and what I am now to him. He has been encouraging. Really encouraging. And tolerating my mood swings and bullshit. Why. Do. I. Have. To. Lose. A. Close. Friend. Again.

He says I will not lose him. Technically. That is true. But we all know. Things are going to change. And we most probably will not be that close anymore.

I feel like I am repeating myself over and over again. But really. It is my biggest regret that things have to turn out this way. I guess you really can never please everyone. I tried. And failed.

Truthfully. I do not want him to keep trying. Or hang on anymore. Because I do not what him to get hurt anymore. I just want things to be back to normal. Have I ever mentioned why I treasure my friendship with him. Well. Because when I quarrel with him. We will sort of explode at each other and then go into Cold War. But soon after. Someone will initiate and ask the other if we can talk things out. And we always solve the differences between us. On second thought. Maybe not solve. But instead forget what has happened and move on. And things will be back to normal again. The constant teasing. The childish behaviour. The fooling around. This kind of friendships are hard to come by.

I guess things are just way beyond my control now. And I think he figured out who truly is important to him and who is not. In some way. I am happy for him. Because I do not want him to keep suffering. I. Am. Such. A. Burden. Hopefully. This serves as some closure for him.

On my part. I do not really know what to do. Or feel. Or say. Just going with the flow. Really quite tired. And burnt out. And sad. And guilty. And regretful. And more sad. And more guilty. And. Sigh.

I shall end my post here. Since I do not have anything else to say. Fingers crossed. I pray that whatever happens. Is for the best. Sigh.

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