Days – like this

It is sad how things have to turn out like that. From someone you talk to everyday. Someone whom you’re close to. To someone who you have nothing to talk about. Absolute strangers.

That awkward five seconds stare. I do not really know how to describe it. Guilt? Apologetic? I could not even look at you in the eye. The guilt just overwhelms. And I have absolutely no idea what to do. Or how to react.

Probably going to just let things die and fade away. I give up trying. If I am the me I was last year. I will try and try and try and try to fix things. Now. I just do not want to try anymore. Not that I do not care enough. Not that the person does not mean enough. Just that I no longer know what to do. Like I mentioned before. I am done fighting. If you want to be part of my life then show it. I do not really ask for much. Just to acknowledge my existence. If not. So be it. I have lost enough close friends that I do not really think it is going to hurt anymore. Just. Numb.

Someone tell me what to do. Let it fade away. Or just try to talk. Wait. I tired the latter. Got a cold shoulder. I am not the kind who will try a second time. Not because I do not care. But I respect your choice. If this is what you want. Fine by me. As long as you are happy.

Well I guess if this is the way you want to get over me. Sigh. What choice do I have. It will be too much to ask of you. To get over me and just be friends this quick. That is inhumane. I do not mind giving you space. You just got to tell me what you want. Hate how you are hot and cold. Playing with my mind. I understand people. I do not read minds. This is killing me.

Hey. I am not all that heartless. If I did not care. I would not even feel anything at all. Just because I can suppress everything and try to (and fail badly) act that I am fine. Does not mean that I do not get affected. In fact. I am a very emotional person. I just learnt how to mask it.

I always ask myself. Why I do this. Why I bother sparing a thought for others. When I am the one getting misunderstood. Do you really want to know the reason why I ignored you the entire month we had examinations. True. I did it because you were suffocating me and I was really stressed out. Sorry if the way I handled it was harsh. But I needed to detach myself from everyone. Just to take a breather. Well. After all. That is the only thing I am good at doing. Running away. Joke. Laughing at my incapability to face things head on. Weakling.

Second. Because I know you will get more affected by it if I told you more. I just did not want you to get distracted. I know. Your parents have high expectations of you. And you are somewhat pressured to perform. And most importantly. I know how your mood can affect everything you do. So I did not want you to get so worried and sad that you stop studying. Then you will have to face the music when you get back your results. I do not want things to get any worse for you.

Well. Well done I guess. You did better than me. I expected it. I guess I am happy for you. And I expected my horrid results. In my attempts to not let it affect you. It took a toll on me. I thought about it day and night. I could not focus. I was worried. Stressed. Tired. Exhausted. Helpless. Lost. Frustrated. Now I still have to think of how to face my parents. And I have no idea whether you appreciate it or not. But if you ask me. I will still do it all over again. Why am I so stupid. I do not know. I do not get why I always put others first. At the expense of my grades. My happiness. My time. My effort. Sometimes it just does not feel worth it. But then I know if I do not. I will not be able to answer myself.

I once told a friend – Whatever decision you make, stay true to yourself. In that way. You will never go wrong. Because that is who you are.

I guess I should tell that to myself. Whatever choice I made. This is who I am. Regardless of whether others appreciate me or not. If you do. Thanks. If not. Sorry what I did was not good enough. They say be kind to yourself. I just cannot. Because I expect that much out of myself. It always feels like I am not doing enough. Not for myself. But for others. I feel like half of my life is spend pleasing others. And I think it is true. People always tell me. Focus on yourself more. Do what makes you happy. But. What if. What makes me happy is the smile on someone else’s face. There. You have a problem.

I just feel like a shadow. Something that follows everyone everywhere. Helping them and being there for them. But everyone overlooks me. Just one glance and they move on to something else. Just too insignificant and unimportant to be noticed. Just like a shadow. I mask everything. All you see is the uniform black. No one notices because no one knows. Well. Is this not what I always wanted? Just to blend in. And to be unnoticed. I guess this is what I want. But. Sometimes you just feel so alone even though you are surrounded by so many people. It feels like you know them so well. But no one knows you. Even if they do. It is just the tip of the ice berg. Times like this. I do not think the gift of understanding people is all that good. It just makes you feel alone. All alone.

It is such a joke. How I can brainwash myself into laughing and playing along with everyone around me even though all I want is to dig a hole in the ground and stay here. Disappear from the surface of the earth. Always wondered how it will be like. To go somewhere far far away. And restart everything. Probably join the aliens on Mars.

All I really want to cry now. I am not even kidding. It is not the results. It is just. I do not even know myself. I am just upset. Do not ask me why. I just am. I just am. Sigh. I just want to cry my eyes out. But no. My eyes will not let me. I am such a conflicted person.

Days like this. I do not want to be around anyone. Sorry if I ignore you today.

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