Never – did I think

Never felt so afraid in my life.

Never knew making a choice could be this hard.

Never felt this lost.

Never knew that I was lying to myself the whole time.

It just never occurred to me that I am going against my will. That more often then not, all I do is run away from things. Thinking that there is no way to salvage things. I just leave the awkwardness to linger. And it slowly numbs me. Making me think that I am all ready to let go. Maybe they are right. Just maybe all I have been doing is suppress everything.

I thought I was all ready. To leave behind everything and move on. Mind over matter they say. I could have done it. I was this close. But when I almost lost everything. I knew I was just deceiving myself. I could not do it. Because deep down I knew I will be letting go of the things that are most dear to me. How do you let go of something you hold on so tightly to?

For the first time ever, I looked back. Hoping that I will see someone waiting for me. Too late. Why do I only realise things after it is too late. My greatest nightmare has become reality.

Moodless weekend. Ignored everyone who was talking to me. I think this is why I keep losing friends. Sorry. So much for me knowing how to separate work and personal issues. Joke. Maybe I am not as strong as I think I am. The most sickening thing to do when you are upset is replying everyone else and having to pretend that you are happy.

I just never felt so empty again. It is fine making mistakes. But it is definitely not cool when you repeat it twice. I definitely am not getting it. What exactly is it that I do not see? Can someone tell me? Admittedly, I do get defensive every time someone points out my flaws. Perhaps it is just because I refuse to accept it. Honestly, at that point in time, I am not able to comprehend how it is my fault. So I stand up for what I think is right. It may not be right but that is what I stand for.

But trust be when I say. After my anger has subsided, I will give it some thought. And trust me again when I say that I acknowledge and agree that I have the flaws others point out. But half of the time. Either I have no idea what to do about it. Or I try for a while and I forget about it. That is why it always seems like I never hold through to my word that I will change. Partially because I find it unattainable so I give up along the way. And partially because I get caught up with other things and I forget. I need constant reminders.

I never expect to see myself in this state again. When I can sit down, stare into space and everything around me goes into a blur. When everything else does not matter to me but that one thing. When I wish I had more time to do the things I wanted to do. When I am simply clueless of what to do. When I end up making funny faces with my food instead of eating it. When my life gets sucked out of me.

Never knew saying goodbye could be this hard.

Never knew that finally letting go once and for all can be this painful.

I just.

Never knew.

It was you.

I hope it is not too late.

Pray that I have the strength to push on one last time.

God please help me.

Amen.

My first prayer in a while.

Hope He hears it.

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