I do not even know where to start. I have probably said all that I have wanted to say in the letter. So I will keep this short and simple.
I am really sorry for flaring up just now. I was just really really really angry that you keep fooling around and here I am trying to figure out what exactly you want or are trying to do. I do not really know how to react around you. To say hi. Or to just pretend I did not see you. And I was extremely upset that I was trying to fix things and you did not seem to care at all. Contradictory because you said that you treasured our friendship. Confused I was and still am. Just maybe we should talk things out. But I do not really know how to face you. See why I say I am a very awkward person. I am just so bad at handling such situations.
And I guess you should know that sometimes what you say really hurts me. That is why I get all defensive and unhappy. I still remember you saying that I cared too much. When you said that, I thought to myself – sorry for caring too much. Perhaps I do care too much but that is in my nature. I cannot just ditch people without having a proper conclusion to the problem. Neither can I stay passive and watch others suffer. Admittedly, I get too emotionally attached to problems that do not concern me. I am trying to change that too.
And just yesterday. When you said even if, fill in the blank yourself. I went speechless. Wow. I just never knew that after one year of knowing me, you still have no idea who I am. It saddens me to know that that is what you think of me. I know that you know that that is not who I am. But the fact that you doubt my genuinity just took me aback. Thought you knew me well enough. Sigh.
I know I am a very confused kid. Maybe I should just focus on sorting myself out without any external pressure or opinions. I need to start finding out who I really am and what I want.
Sorry for creating a big mess in your life. Sometimes I feel like I was the one who forced you to grow up. Become more mellow and reserved. Not so wild anymore. Finally using your brain and not saying tactless comments that cause many people to dislike you. I do question myself if that is a good change or bad.
Thanks for being such a great friend. Honestly, I doubt I would have survived the year if I did not meet you. You made school less a painful and more enjoyable. Really enjoyed training because I get to poke fun at you though I fail super badly at it. Thanks for letting me win all the time. If I could turn back time I would not have changed a thing because I never regretted anything. All the random things I did with you was what I wanted at that point in time. Thank you for giving me so many wonderful memories.
Whatever happens from here on. I hope is the best for us.
PS. You cannot hide your true self from me. I see through that facade. You will always be the you I know. And I know you are just holding back all the emotions. You are such a bad liar. Sorry for putting you through all this. But stay strong. I hope that you will finally be able to find that inner peace and rest.