Simple – yet so hard to achieve

Probably going to get some scolding from god knows who again for being so upset and overly-emotional. Sorry for being built this way. Everyone else is living their lives normally and here I am getting upset over everything. Wish I could just be like everyone else. Just not care about anything. I tired. Honestly. To be a cold, heartless and indifferent person. And failed terribly at  it because I felt like I putting up a facade the whole time. Yet being myself is making me so upset everyday. So now what am I suppose to do. I am not half as strong as I used to be. Dealing with all these problems has suck out all my energy and happiness. Sleepless nights. Teary eyes. Listlessness. I need some time to myself again.

I wish I could turn back time. Turn it back to sometime in July and August. I was happy then. Happier at least. Finally after all my ups and downs, that was the time my life finally started to go uphill. Even my mother noticed the change. I came home happy. She knew that I chose to stay out late because I was enjoying myself. So she let me be.

But lately, I came home later and avoided everyone at home. Quieter than ever. Locked myself in the room and was glued to my phone the entire time. I did not seem happy anymore. I was not. And still am not. Feels like I am back to the old me. The one at the start of the year, right after the break up. I just do not know what to do anymore. I made choices but I am not liking the outcome. Sigh. I can only sit and wait for everything to either fall in place or fall apart.

Puffy eyes. Puffy eyes. Puffy eyes. Finally, after so long, I cried it out. Just cannot take it anymore. Felt great I guess but I could barely opened my eyes this morning. Everyone is telling me to pour my heart out to someone. But who. Everyone has their own problems. And I have no idea who will want to listen to all my whining. So I bottle it up. Until last night.

Why is it that I care so much about relationships. Why am I so affected that I end up losing friends because loves comes into the picture. Why do I feel so helpless when I look at my friends destroy themselves. Why do I feel like I have no time for myself. Why is helping other so much more tiring than it used to me. Why am I upset and everyone else is fine.

I had enough. I really really need to be alone now. Sort everything out. Go have some fun. Maybe after that I will come back and solve everything. I want to start a bucket list on my blog. Just for fun.

It is out for dinner with my mother today. Cannot wait. Just need to have a break and start doing things I want to do.

On a side note, if you see this, I would really like to know what your blog URL is. It sucks when I still care but cannot show it.

Oh, and and and, that guy we met yesterday. His name is Rido.


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