There is so much things on my mind. There is so much I want to say. But I dare not say anything. Do not want to spoil the mood. Do not want to go into a Cold War.
Though it is not all that great between us now, at least we are talking. I wish it was more but I guess I have to be contented with what I have.
Mix of happiness and regret. Which explains the emotional roller coaster I am experiencing now.
Whatever you are doing. I hope have thought it through and have a clear idea of where you are heading. If you are doing this because you want to enjoy the last few moments together. Please do not. It is only going to hurt me more. When the time comes, I will not be able to let go. If you are doing this because you want to start slow, I hope you are prepared to run this marathon with me and not dash to the hundred meter finish line alone.
I do not wish to raise this issue. I do not want to force anything anymore. Just going to wait patiently.
I have never been very good at hiding my emotions. My expression and mannerism gives me away. I leave hint of how I feel all around me. After knowing me for so long, you probably picked it up. I have no intention to hide it.
Sometimes when I choose to keep mum, it is not because I want to keep things as secrets. But because I am confused. I do not know whether saying or keeping mum is better. And when it is discovered that I did not come clean, trust is broken. Seems as though I am keeping things from you. That is far from the truth.
I choose not to say how I really feel because I am sick of all the tension. There is finally some peace now. More composure even though things are no solved yet. Conversing with each other feels more like consolation rather than sincere light hearted talks.
Though it seems all fine now, there is still so much things that are left unspoken. Feels as though we are both preparing for the worse. Drinking the last shot of alcohol before meeting face to face with fate and reality.
Maybe it is time for closure. A sweet and clean ending. No more hurt. No more pain. Because we see it coming.