This is completely ridiculous. Here I am trying to fall asleep and I end up crying because I feel so incompetent. I hate it when I am not tired. I hate it that I think so much before I sleep. So much so I I cannot fall asleep.
It is utter rubbish that a few comments can bring me down and make me reconsider my decisions. I really do want to quit the team. This time, I am pretty serious about it.
Honestly, I ask myself, if I have improved over the past year. To my regret, I have not. In fact, I think I took a turn for the worse.
For starters, I am not fit at all. No denying. No questioning.
Next, I have no game awareness. Maybe a few lucky catches and shots here and there. None of which, I feel, was carefully planned and thought out. To tell the truth, I am really completely lost sometimes. I just do not get things.
Moving on, I really am not improving because I am not asking for advice. I would love to be more vocal. But thing is, I do not even know where to start asking from. Oh, how about starting with – what in the world is going on the field. I really am not very open to criticism because I am afraid of bad remarks. I really am. I am so because I know after hearing them I will put myself down even more. From there, it just spirals downs to more self-reproach. It gets nowhere.
In addition, I have clearly lost the passion. Why. Multiple factors. It is extremely hard to appease my parents that it is worth the time and effort. And it is certainly extremely discouraging every time they put me down. It feels like constants attempts to prove myself and to prove that I have made the right choice. And obviously I have not. Yes, I do detest the way things are run and the way my coach manages the team. That contributed largely to my lost of passion. Truthfully, I am sick and tired of getting caught up in all the drama in the team. Some of which does not involve me. Are we not spending too much time and effort on unnecessary things. I hate the culture there. I really do. From the beginning. Enough with all the relationship dramas. Can we just be a unified team. My academics is also a crucial factor. Admittedly, I am at fault for not putting in consistent effort in my work. However, I do feel that my over commitment has cost me quite a bit. I understand it is my call but perhaps it is time to take a step back and reevaluate things.
Finally, I do not feel like I am contributing much to the team. Each time I play, I feel like a total waste of space. And even a novice can do better than me. I am always either too blur that I have no idea what is going on or making the wrong movies. Half of the time I feel like I am in the field just so that the guy girl ratio is met. And face it, anyone can set a field. 40 by 20 by 70. How hard can that be. Logistics is not all that difficult. And I have failed in contributing in the Exco.
So look at me. Tell me what I have actually done right. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
My inadequacy is really starting to affect me a lot. Incompetence that I feel so easily replace. Correction, I feel like a total liability to the team.
I really do not get how a few people’s comments can get me so stressed up that I cannot sleep. And hey I really was not joking at the bus stop. I did not utter a word after you made that comment simply because I was completely lost for words. I hardly find it funny. Because I know I have tried. I may not be all that physically fit but I do try to work out now and then. I have not get the habit of exercising on a regular basis so my plans always end up failing. But I do try. Sorry, I do not have a natural talent unlike many others who can get away with putting in little effort. I actually have to work for what I want. It just tick me off. Really. I wonder how I managed to tolerate all that previously.
I guess that was my tipping point. I just cannot take it anymore. And I do not see a reason for me to stay anymore. I have no obligations. Promise I made, I kept them all. I have no role in this team. Except for my position which is probably the only reason why I even bother showing up for training.
If you are going to shoot me down with criticisms, by all means. I understand that I signed up for this, it is a commitment I took upon myself. That is why I still go for training and try to make the best out of it. Perhaps I am not pushing myself hard but at least I show up. If you are going to say I am a quitter, be my guest too. I did what I could. And I do not think I can sustain this anymore. Like I said before, it is getting increasingly harder to convince myself to hold on. If I hate where I am so much, why not just leave. And then, there will be people who will say I am taking the easy way out. Yes, maybe I am. So what. This year has been an outrageously tough year for me. One problem after another. I am quite glad that I survived the year even though I am extremely unhappy most of the time. So whatever, I have chose to let go of many things this year simply because I cannot and do not want to hold on anymore.
I still find it absolutely stupid that I am losing sleep because of something so trivial. It is amazing how one sentence can tear me apart. And those words are usually said without an intention to criticise. Funny, I will say. That I pay attention to all these small details that only make me feel worse about myself.
I am such a joke.