Control – getting a hold on me

Why do you have so much control over me. My feelings. My mood. My everything.

Last night, I could not sleep, again. Up thinking about things. Wondering how I am every going to let go of everything I shared with you. Those laughs. Those texts. Those memories.

I thought I was doing fine. That maybe I stood a chance at moving on. However, the oh so romantic and sweet ending of the drama I was watching made me think of you. That typical happily ever after ending. If only that was you and me. I can never watch any romantic show without thinking of you. In fact, I always wish for you to be right beside me, watching the show with me.

My feelings overwhelm me. Fantasizing soon turns into the brutal truth. The brutal truth that all these are just in my head. Emotional roller coaster suddenly dips down. I am the foolish one who keeps holding on. The blind one who feeds herself with hope. The stubborn one who refuses to let go.

Countless times I have tried and countless times I have failed. I cannot treat you as just a friend. Not when some part of me still really really really likes you. The longer I hold on, the deeper I sink in.

I tried to text you less, get used to the infrequent replies. But I ended up checking my phone more often, hoping you will reply.

I tried to ignore you, be the one who lets go first. But you always end up sending a long wordy text that makes me change my mind.

I tried to forget about you, so that when that day comes, I will not break down. But something just has to pop up and remind me of you.

Every time I think I have gotten over you, you appear from no where and show me you still care. It is just like a fire. When it is just about to extinguish, you add wood so that it will continuing burning.

Are you only doing this to me because you do not want me to give up. If so, that is quite cruel. Why make use of my feelings for you?

You mentioned before that you are afraid of me letting go. If so, why is it so hard for you to just tell me you still want me? Granted you might want me to wait because we are currently busy with our studies. Point taken, but why are you so afraid of telling me to wait? I do not mind waiting. All I need to know is that the long wait is worthwhile.

Do you even trust me to stay committed? I do not think so. Yes, I admit. I did like someone when I was with you. That was entirely my fault, I will take responsibility for that. But for the second guy, you cannot put the blame on me. I guess I did somewhat have good vibes about him. And maybe I did think it was possible between us. But hey, I was no longer with you when that happened. Maybe deep down I still liked you, and you know it through mutual friends. But based on relationship status, I have the liberty to like someone else. I need not stay commitment to you. If you are feeling insecure about that, I guess it will never work out between you and me.

Maybe I did not hold through to my word last time. Maybe I am still the same. But what I do know is that, nowadays, I do make an effort to keep my promises. Just so you know, I have not touched alcohol since the day I promised you I would not. Not one sip. Not even at parties. If that is not commitment, I do not know what is. You have to trust me. That is faith. Just take a step of faith will you? If I fail you, then you do not deserve me. You can leave and pin all the blame on me. But you are not even giving me a shot to prove myself. Is it not very unfair that you undermine me before I can even do anything about it?

I had enough. This has dragged on for too long. You are tired. So am I. The answer is simple. Yes or no. Why is it so hard for us to make a choice and stick to it. There is always a risk that needs to taken and we might just end up living in regret. However, does it not feel better to come to a conclusion, rather than leaving things hanging like this? Even if you do make a wrong choice. Even if I make a wrong choice. I will blame no one. In fact, I will be glad that we finally mustered our courage and made a decision.

For good or for worse, I hope we end this soon. Holding on to this is draining all my happiness. Do not want to stay in this constant state of weariness and unhappiness. As much as I still like you, when I have to go, I will go.

On a side note, I am hoping you would send me off when I leave for Hong Kong. See what I mean by me feeding myself with hope? But who am I kidding. You have school and my flight is in the early morning. You would not turn up, would you?

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