Slapping – even at seventeen

Well done. You did it again. Another slap across the face. I do not even know why I bother trying to make this g work between us. I try to keep it all in let it out by blogging. And you always have to ruin all my efforts by picking a fight with me.

Yes, I do know that I am screwing my life up. But it comes to a point where I just want to not care about anything and just be happy. Delusional I must admit. But at least it numbs all the pain and hurt. Stupid decision. But temporary cure.

And just so you know, when you said I never ever pleased, that was the final straw. I really do not want to try anymore. Because all I ever will be is an lability to you. I really try very hard to keep things neutral between us. Over seven off years of fighting. Are you not tired? I am. That is why I chose to keep quiet even though things you say really do hurt me. And even though I really want to retaliate. But since my efforts have clearly made no difference, I do not see a point in keeping mum anymore. You want to fight, I will fight it out with you. I know I will probably end up losing as usual. But no one will stop me from saying how I feel. I do not care if you are my elder. Sorry, going around slapping people and raising voice is not going to earn you respect. Sometimes, you just got to shut up.

Truth is, I know what I am doing. And I deliberately do it. I am really sick and tired of pleasing everyone but myself. I just want a time out. I know time is running out. But trust me when I grow bored of it, I will get my act right. You just have to trust that I know what I am doing.

Mix of anger and hurt. I really do try to keep my somewhat positive image of you. But each time you just have to mess it up by saying things out of anger or getting all physically. Someday, I will learn self-defense not to hurt anyone but protect myself. Oh and I think I forget to mention, my right hip is screwed up because of you, or have you forgotten? And you wonder why our father and daughter relationship can never be mended. Such a joke.

Questioning myself if I should notifying trying. Why try when all you get is a slap at the end of the day? I can truthfully say that the days I am the happiest is when you leave me alone and do not talk to me at all.

Actually I think it all boils down to you not being able to trust me. Why is it so hard for you to trust me? Guess it is because you do not know me well enough to know what kind of person I am. Oh whatever. Guess it is mutual.

Well I guess you have burnt the bridge again. This time, I am thinking twice about rebuilding again.


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