Forgiveness – is for yourself

I will not say I am all that righteous and holy molly. I cannot just let things go and try all over again. Hurtful words that people say cling on me like leeches on the skin. Arguments replay as movie clips in my head. Shoutings ringing at the back of my mind. I am not one who can simply let go and move on.

But looking at the way things are now, I do not want to hold anymore grudges. I am really tired of everything. Hence, I sink into self-destruct mode on which I turn into some apathetic person. I know I will regret this because my studies are so bad and if I do not catch up soon, I might as well not take my A levels next year. Just really confused now. On one hand, I want to just throw everything aside and waste my life away. On the other hand, I want to pull myself together, and change my situation around. It is a constant struggle to choose between the two. With each passing day, the pressure is on me to make the right decision and start working on it. Time is running out. And with the pressure that is piling up, the easier option of quitting is becoming increasingly appealing.

What I really need now is a few people who are willing to help me along this screwed up point in my life. Perhaps to guide me. Or simply encourage me. Remind me of my decisions. That is all I am asking for.

This year has been a struggle. From start to the end. Trying so hard to find my footing. But each time I just get knocked down to my knees. I just feel a sense of displacement. No goal. No drive. No motivation. I lost it. Even my mother noticed it. I do not put in my all anymore. I see no point in doing so. I really pray for some direction soon. I am quite lost.

Back to the main reason why I am writing this post. I guess I will choose to forgive you got what you did yesterday. Though I still refuse to talk to you, I guess I will let it go. No point getting all upset over that. Perhaps I have grown numb to all your nonsense. Perhaps I have learnt not to take it to heart. What is done is done. You are still my father. Something I cannot change. Yes, I do hate you at times. But out of pure respect, I keep forgiving you. Has been years of fighting. Enough is enough. I still make a choice to keep quiet when you scold. This house needs some peace. True, it does get increasingly harder to convince myself that what you do is for my betterment but it still try to at least stay neutral with you. No hate no love. Just neutral.

I doubt I will ever start working on our relationship again. Just quite sick and tired of trying. For now, I am going to focus on fixing myself. The rest can wait. Suddenly, all these drama is no longer my top priority of concern. I gave it enough of my attention. Now that I have failed again, I think it is best to fix the most immediate problem – me.

Sometimes I do wonder if I am the cause of all this drama. My difficult character. My messed up ideologies and moral values. No idea. If so, where do I start changing from? And what if I do change? Would I not be changing into what others expect of me instead of being myself? So many unanswered questions.

Screams into my pillow. When will this nightmare end.

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