My dear girl. Come on, you will always be you. You will always get angry when people are being unreasonable and childish. You cry when people hurt you and get really upset at them. You stop talking to people after a fight and start some having negative feelings for them. But despite all that, you know deep down inside you still care for them. No matter how much they piss you off. No matter how much they hurt you, you still care. There is no one that I truly hate. I think.
Even my dad. No matter how much I get irritated at him or super angry or hurt or whatsoever, some part of me still appreciates what he does for me. I do not think I will make any special effort to mend our relationship but I am pretty sure I do not harbor any ill feelings. Maybe temporarily but not for long.
There is just this some part of me which can forgive people and still want to care for them. Finally, it feels so good to be me again. I think for the whole of this year, I felt like I was changing to someone I no longer knew. However, now, I see a glimmer of hope. Sure, maybe I became a bit more closed up and quiet but who I am on the inside never really changed. Maybe I am trying too hard not to care when I really do. Maybe I am trying too hard not to get affected. Maybe that is why I feel like I am no longer myself. Truth is, I have always been me, just that I keep suppressing my feeling so as to get by each day.
Really quite happy to know that I am still me. Forget it. I am not going to try change myself. If I care, I simply do. And chances are, when I start caring, I never stop. So what if I am overly caring and end up affecting my own mood, this is who I am. And I am pretty comfortable with it. It just does not feel right to disregard everything and not care.
Only problem I have now would be striking a balance between caring and managing my day to day life. Almost ninety-nine times out of a hundred, my feelings will always affect my mood and I end up wasting the day away. Honestly, I am very worried about my major exams next year. Given my poor foundation and lack of drive, it will take a miracle for me to do well. I cannot afford to have another emotion breakdown. I am beginning to feel the pressure. Sigh. But that is a story for another day.
Anyway, I guess I had to write this post because I was thinking about how things are recently and well a specific friendship that went a bit off course. Quite funny actually, now that I think of it. Though he may not affect me that much anymore but I guess I should be more open-minded and forgiving. No point holding grudges. I am at fault too. And I realised that I still genuinely care for him as a friend. I can still tell when he is upset or unhappy about things. Such a bad actor I will say.
Granted things will not return to the way they were but I guess what matters most is that we are on talking terms and can still genuinely have fun together.
Why focus on the bad memories of the past when you can create good memories in the present. To me, in life, you have just got to keep the happy moments close to your heart and forget all the unhappiness. Life is too short to be sad everyday. 看开一点！