Looking – back at the past year

Long journey to marina bay sands alone. Too quiet such that I get absorbed into my thoughts. Looking back at the year that has passed. I am far from feeling proud of myself.

It has been a year of repeated hurt and sadness. I do think that half of it is self-inflicted but that aside, I guess I am glad I survived the year. The repeated struggle to convince myself that I am better than I think I am just does not seem to worth. No ego and no self-worth. Sometimes, I wonder if anyone will even notice my absence if I disappeared one fine day. Probably not. How is it possible that I feel so alone in a group of people I am so familiar with? What does it mean to feel at home?

Many people have impacted my life this year. Helping me get though the darkest nights. And for that I am very grateful. Not going to list them out a second time but they should know who they are. Big thank you hug for helping me survive the year.

Yet even as the year comes to a close, I have yet to figure out who I am. Insignificant. Displaced.

Ever since you left, I always wondered what I did wrong and what my flaws were. Admittedly, I am a spoilt and needy person but I did try very hard to emotionally detach myself from people. So much so, there are only a hand full of people whom I talk to regularly. Most days are spent alone using the computer or just wondering about things. I bet that came as a surprise to many. Honestly, i do my get why other say I am popular and all. What is the use of knowing so many people when deep down inside you still feel so lonely.

They say your greatest strength can be your greatest flaw. I suppose that is true for me. Sometimes, I wish I did not have a heart. Not such a soft one at least. That does not go to say that I do not get angry or upset at anyone. Those who know me can unanimously say that I get angry and affected by the smallest and stupidest thing ever. Working on it but I am kind of failing. That aside, I have never gotten angry at anyone for long. I may complain, ignore or rant but deep down inside I do still care. Take my dad for example, I can cross my heart and tell you upfront that I really cannot stand him. But every once in a while, I still feel like doing something nice for him.

But this year, after losing so many precious people, I did not feel like there was any point in investing all my time and effort into people. After all, someday, they will end up leaving. So that was exactly what I did, I tried to maintain platonic relationships. But as usual, I failed. I did end up making a few good friends who have been a great source of encouragement through the year. And towards the end of the year, I begin to realise that my caring nature is something that I cannot change. It is who I am and who I want to be. Honestly, I did not feel like myself the entire year.

But then again, I have learnt how to limit the people who I spend my effort and time on. Not because the rest are not worth it but simply because I am emotionally drained and have loads of work to do. I would not mind becoming a full time Mother Theresa if I could.

Many people wonder how I am able to know what others are feeling and all. There really is no secret to it. The heart feels what the eyes cannot see. Often, we overlook what is on the inside for what we see on the outside. I believe there is some good in everyone and to build someone up, you have to find that good inside of them and nurture it. Work on their strengths and stop harping on their flaws.

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Maybe that is why I always get upset and hurt. Behind that judgmental front, is someone who has a heart for people.

Every time, I see poor or handicapped people. My heart goes out to them. Not of sympathy but of care and love. I really want to do something to enable them to enjoy life like I do. Until today, my dream is to really be able to go overseas and impact someone’s life. Closer to heart, when I feel my friends drown themselves with alcohol and numb themselves by smoking, I cry. I guess I am the only fool who will cry because of a friend. I really feel helpless at times and blame myself for not being able to do more for them. I hope all of you will snap out of it soon and stop wasting your life away.

I might be quieter now and may not openly express my care and concern. But I hope that whatever little I could do made a difference in your lives.

Sometimes, I do wonder whether I have been put through all this so that I will grow as a person. For the longest time ever, I have been one who is easily accepted by everyone and well (not that I am bragging) pretty successful. I guess it is time to come down back to earth to learn humility. As much as I hate 2013, I am rather thankful it all happened. I may not have all the answers I wanted but I do have some. At least now I know what I want in life and who I want to be. All that is left between me and my goal is hard work and perseverance. Hopefully, I will push myself to the every end next year.

Sigh. My greatest regrets of the year would be hurting the people that mean the most to me. I do hope you all forgive me for what I have done. And for you, what I am going to do next. I am really really sorry I have to let you go. The heart cannot take anymore than it can bear.

Just eight more days to end things right and get my life back on course. And out if the many things I have to leave behind, the hardest to let go of is you. But a promise is a promise, time to close this chapter and move on. The heart yearns for more but time refuses to stop. It would be nice to meet up with you one last time before the year closes but I know it would be the hardest good bye I will ever have to say. Still deciding if I should just leave it as it is and pass your things to someone else. Sigh. I really do miss you.

Final at Marina. Time to end this post. The days grows longer and the nights grow short. Regret lingers in the air as I leave the past behind. Back to the cold solitary nights I am so familiar with. If only a miracle can happen in the next eight days.

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