Feeling extremely conflicted yet again.
On one hand, I really hate how they just have to get so involved in my life. One must understand that I am that kind who like to keep most of my personal things to myself and I will only share them with people I am comfortable with. Well, obviously I am not all that comfortable with them. Imagine me having a bubble around myself. That is the space I like to have to myself. Asking for a list of my friend’s contact numbers is really a no no. I am sorry I just cannot do it. I refuse to do something I am not comfortable with. I know and understand that it is because I do not come home on time and it is for my own safety. Admittedly, I do have trouble keeping to my word and any parent will have problems trusting a kid like that but I hope that you will trust me enough to know that I will take care of myself when I am out. Yes, I am aware that after that incident, they are more paranoid and worried when I get home late. But everyone make mistakes, do we not? So get over it. I already know my mistake, stop harping on it.
I really dislike it when they come down hard on me and set me rules to follow. As much as I acknowledge the need for ground rules to be set, it is just not in my nature to follow rules. This is probably going to sound very biased and narrow-minded but, in my defense, my personality is such that it does not really have much room for structure and compliance. I am the kind of person who feels the most me when I am allowed to push the boundaries and I am given space to do whatever I wish. That essentially puts me in a lot of danger and risks all the time but that is the way I learn and grow as a person. Sounding like a irresponsible kid now and I will not deny it. I do have issues coming clean with them or just keeping to my word because I cannot seem to bring myself to be accountable to them. One of the reasons why I hide so much from them should be because if I every told them about the things I did, I would not be able to do half of it. That is half of my life’s experience and fun gone. No way would I trade all that memories for less scoldings from them.
On the other hand, I do appreciate everything they have done for me and I go feel super guilty every time I make them upset. I do feel very bad when they get worried and anxious because I am not back at home. Many a times (or rather all the time), I regret all the things I say when I am angry. Anger really gets the best of me. Perhaps that is why I am trying to walk away or keep quiet when I am angry. I want to learn how to control myself when I get agitated and stop saying things I do not mean in the fit of anger.
Did I mention how I can never bring myself to say sorry to them? When I was a kid, saying sorry was almost too easy because I said it for the sake of saying it. I used to force a “I am sorry” out just so they will stop ignoring me or giving me a cold shoulder. I just wanted the tension to die down. “Case closed.” I can confidently say that I did not mean ninety percent of the “sorry”s I said when I was younger. Somehow, as I grew up, I developed into someone who choose to only says what she means. Though I am not exactly there yet but I am working on it. As a result, saying sorry grew less frequent and, one fine day, I just stopped saying it. I cannot bring myself to say it because I am not really apologetic for what I did though I know I was in the wrong. Most of the time, I make my decisions knowing that they will get upset but I do it anyway (rebellious kid much) because that is exactly what I want to do at that point in time. Now that I think of it, I am quite self-centered. Sigh. (Not going to try to defend myself.)
By now, you would have guessed that I just fought with my parent and well I do feel very bad because I really am I fault. So I am planning to do work through the night (be a hardworking kid for once). But that is not the main reason I am staying up. I just felt like making a hearty breakfast for them as an apology. Then you will say – why not sleep now and wake up early to make breakfast? Knowing how pig I am, I am sure I will not be able to wake up on time. Four more hours to go. Good luck to me.
Sometimes, I wish I knew how to translate my appreciation to them in better ways. I cannot seem to be able to express my gratitude properly and end up saying things for the sake of getting agitated. No idea why I do that. Indeed, a love-hate relationship.