Read – them all

I read them, every single one of them. They brought back memories. Memories of confusion, hurt, betrayal and insecurities. They made me reflect upon what had happened last year. As ashamed as I am, I have to admit that I was being a jerk (even bitch is not enough to describe how bad I was). To know that you thought I was not using you when I was just makes me want to vanish in thin air. As much as I tried to prevent myself from doing so, the emotional void inside of me kept me coming back to you. That was the truth I tried to hide for so long. In some sense, I do feel a bit better now that I have come clean with you. But deep down the guilt will never dissolve away.

Why bring up the past when it is over. I have no idea. I suppose for that split second when I was reading though everything, I felt myself being brought back to the time when everything was a mess, when you and I were a mess. It felt so surreal. Amidst all that uncertainty, there is one thing that remained constant – how much you love me. What particularly melted my heart is the one about things you wanted to say to him. No idea why but I just felt really touched? I never could understand how I can mean so much to someone (my self-esteem issues again). But to know that you felt that way for me is pretty comforting.

But all that aside, my main point is that after all that reading I begin to realise how little I know about you. Yes, I know you as a person. Your character, your personality, your beliefs. You tell me a lot. In fact, you tell me almost everything. Everything expect what weighs heavy on your heart. I know you want to be my pillar of strength and I am very thankful for that. But that is not what I want. I do not want to be the one who keeps taking and gives nothing. It makes me wonder if I am being too self-centered. Having been the one who always gives and gives and gives, for as long as I can remember, perhaps I have grown tired of giving and all I want to do now is focus on myself. Sigh.

I want this to be a two way thing. I know you are emotionally stronger than I am so you can deal with the nonsense I throw at you. But having said that, I wish I can do something for you. Something more than the usual morning breakfast and notes. Those superficial things are nothing compared to being there for you when you are at your lowest. Come to think of it, you never ever tell me when you are upset. Sometimes, I get lucky and I see pass that facade you put up but, other times, I take it that you are fine. Come on, I can do better than that. I am capable of giving so much more. Why is it that I choose to restrain myself and hold back? Is it because I am afraid of giving my all and not getting anything in return? Or is it because I am, once again, taking things I have for granted?

I just wish you will let me know when you really want me to be there for you and when I am getting a little overboard and distracted with other things. Because as far as I can remember, I have never been there for you when you are emotionally down or just stressed up. It has always been you who is watching over me, making sure I am all smiles and no frowns. I must say it is really sweet how you put my needs before yours but I hope that you will not get too carried away with me that you neglect your other priorities. Will we ever know how to strike a balance between all our priorities?

Why is it that I am still so doubtful when things are so clear cut and straightforward? Why do I still entertain those thoughts?

Maybe it is best not to think and just to quote someone “给个 fuck” about everything.

Anyway, going for a jog to let off some steam and clear my mind. And on a side note, my parents are fighting over some stupid thing again. My dad should really learn how to shut up because talking will only lead to more tension and angst. Will this house ever have peace?

“We’re going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us.”

~Beth Moore


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