Reconsidering – and evaluating

Crazy game yesterday. Crazy day today. No idea why I was overcome by helplessness and hopelessness today. Just felt so inadequate but I did not have the guts to tell my coach I want to quit the team because I know he will screw me up down left right.

On one hand, I am really sick and tried of trying but always end up screwing up during the game. Just feel like a burden all the time when we have friendlies, so much so that I want to just throw in the towel and quit the team.

But on the other hand, I feel responsible and accountable to the team and my coach. I rarely say this but if I just walk out now, it will really be very unfair to him. After spending over a year teaching me and correcting all my mistakes, it will be very disappointing to know that I want to give up now, when he needs me the most (for competitions). One player down night not make a whole lot of difference (especially if that person is me) but it will be very irresponsible of me to call it quits. If others are equally as tired of training but still give it their all, should I not do the same too? This is basic respect for them and the time they take out to train and practice hard. To quote my coach – you are in a team sport, not an individual one.

After all the disappointments, I was pretty sure I did not want to stay anymore. But now that I am a little more cool-headed I am not sure if I want to call it quits now. It will really be very irresponsible of me. Sigh how?

Anyway, big thank you to the small kid for talking to me and well trying to reason with me. I know I was being all negative and unreasonable. So sorry about that, just ignore whatever I said for the last two days. Just may be I will give it one last shot this weekend. Oh and thanks for all the comforting at the field yesterday.

And to my xiao di, who probably will not see this because you are too caught up with things, sorry I snapped at you earlier in the day. You do not have to despise me because I despise myself for not trying hard enough and for not having enough mental strength. What I said today in class, just forget it. It came out wrong.

And you my dearest fats, you did not really convince me to change my mind but you definitely helped me to chill and think things through. From evaluation of the situation to reconsidering my decision. Thanks for being there when I broke down and cried super long (yesterday and today).

To everyone else who messaged me and asked if I am fine, I really appreciate it. To be honest, I am really thankful that the team tried to care and encourage one another.

Now, to stay or not to stay?

It is not enough that we do our best; sometimes we must do what is required.

~ Winston Churchill

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