Bus – rides

What am I doing with my life. Block tests are just a few days away and I am wasting time wondering around and thinking about things.

Nonetheless, it was a much need therapeutic long bus ride. I just have this thing for bus rides. Gaze out of the window and watch everything pass by. Someday, I would really like to take a bus from one interchange to another, just for the fun of it.

Today is suppose to be a happy day but as usual I let my emotions get the best of me. After the late night heart to heart talk with you, I just feel so lost. Sigh.

If you keep bringing up my past, you are not giving me a chance to move on. If you constantly make me look back and compare now and then, you are not giving me a chance to forget. I know I said what I said a few days back. But these feelings come and go. I know where you are coming from but is it wrong to miss an old friend who you shared many memories with?

Then was then. Now is now. I know what I have now and I am grateful for what I have. I do not wish to compare past and present. All I want to do is treasure what I have now. The past does not mean anything to me anymore.

It is just that the more you question me, the more I doubt myself. The more I doubt myself, the more afraid I get. The more afraid I get, the more I close up. The more I close up, the less you will know about me. That is when things fall apart.

The more I feel like I am shortchanging you, the more I want to distance myself. So that neither of us gets too emotionally attached to the other. So that goodbyes (if necessary) will not be that hard.

You do not have to tell me that sometimes you feel like I will never me able to love you the way I did for him. I know. It has always been at the back of my head. It has always been something that bothered me day and night.

True, emotions can be controlled if I try very hard. But why will I want to force myself to feel something when I do not. It is as good as saying I am forcing myself to love you (which I am not).

Sorry I am not all that realistic and pragmatic when it comes to feelings and emotions. Rarely do I actively try to get what I want, which, unfortunately, results in me not getting what I want. But it is fine.

Call me a dreamer but I believe in fate and destiny. And sometimes, I do like to believe that happily every afters do exist. I believe things fall apart so better things can fall in place. Similarly, I believe in letting things take their natural course and somehow what you get in the end will be exactly what you need.

Whatever it is, I do not see a need to constantly worry about what is going to happen in the future. Sometimes, we get too caught up with the future that we lose sight of the present. And when we neglect the present, we might end up not having a future to speak off. It does not mean that you have to break up with someone just because you do not see the two of you going far. You can always enjoy the time both of you have together, no matter how short or long.

For me, I dare not ask for more. I am already very thankful for what I am giving and how far I have gotten. I am contented with what I have. I dare not think of what the future holds. All I want to do, as cliche as it sounds, is to live each moment like my last. Live for today and let tomorrow worry for itself.



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