Excuses – and self-denial

6.29pm

How do I even explain myself now. I have ran out of excuses. The fact is as such. I cannot change anything about it.

Sigh. As bad as this excuse may sound, I do regret letting just one person affect me so much that it messed up one whole year of my life. Not pointing fingers. Just blaming myself.

Dreading to go home because I really have no explanation, no excuse. And I can safely expect a long talk again. Sigh so this is what it feels like – to fall short off other’s expectations.

They say you do not have to answer to anyone else but yourself. But they forgot about the part where parents start nagging and pushing you to try harder. At the end of the day, it is those countless expectations you have to meet.

Truthfully, I am fine about my results because I know given how I was last year. I could not have done any better. But will anyone accept this lousy reason of mine?

7.23pm

Have you ever felt like you are not good at anything?

Have you ever look at others and get envious of how good they are?

Have you ever felt that you should not even have existed in the first place?

Have you ever seen an accident and wish the one who is lying dead on the ground was you?

Have you ever felt so lousy about yourself you just want to pack your bag and leave?

9.26pm

Being a QM really sucks at times because week in week out I come early to set the field before the rest arrives. It gets so boring that I add a rhythm to my counting to make things more interesting. I do not get to practice my throws as much as my peers because i am always busy setting the field. After training, I hang around to make sure no one leaves anything valuable behind. It gets really tiring because I have to lug the whole bag of cones back home even when my back is aching from the day’s training.

But sometimes, I really find it a blessing. On bad days as such, I get to wonder around doing my own job. Sulking and thinking about the day’s events. Cry as I set my field. And no one will know. I guess this is one of the perks about being the QM. For that brief five minutes I get to be myself and not have to pin a smile on my face. Let my frustrations out and calm myself down before training. For that brief moment, I feel like I am in my own world. No worries. No hiding. Just me, myself and I.

I suppose that is one of the few things I can be thankful for.

10.05pm

Scold me all the fuck you want because I am fucking done. So you say the grades does not matter and guess what you did the first thing you did when you got home? You got it, ask me for my grades. Fucking liar.

How is it that the people who claim to know me the best cannot understand how I feel and learn how to shut the fuck up. Which part of “I am not in the mood to talk and I refuse to tell you my grade” that you cannot understand?

Fuck you for always expecting so much. Fuck you for always pushing me to a corner and making me say things I refuse to say. Fuck you for plucking out my earpiece and screaming at my face. Fuck you for not trying to understand.

Fuck you for venting your frustrations on me. In case you have not realised, you have been shouting at me everyday when I get back him for weeks now. Like what did I even do wrong? I just got home. I do not even talk back or defend myself because I know it has been tough on you lately. You always seem so tired and frustrated so I let you scream at me and all. Who knew that only led to an increase in intensity and frequency of your shouting. Oh gosh, like what am I to you?

Fuck because I am done trying so hard to please you. I am happy with myself. But are you happy with me? Guess not.

Fuck I knew I should not have gone home early today.

(On a side note, at least the other one has learnt to shut up and leave me alone when I am upset.)

Quit life.

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