Angst – as usual

Mandatory late night or should I say early morning angst. Since everyone is asleep I guess my blog will have to do. I apologise in advance for the excessive use of vulgarities. It is just May way of letting off some steam.

So here goes.

Honestly, I am really tired of being so overly caring and concerned. Like fuck me. It is not that I do not enjoy what I do. I love encouraging and helping people on. But I always get reprimanded in some way or another. If is not my dad telling at me for spending too much time on my phone, it will be being told I am foolish for caring so much.

First things first, let me get this straight. I do not really give a fuck whether we win or not because honestly I think our team dynamics is beyond salvageable. The only reason I give it my best is because I want to end this journey knowing that I tried my best and gave my all.

Then why do I bother talking to those who are discouraged? Well, because it really saddening to see them upset all the time and I know they are capable of so much more if they stop looking down on themselves. There is no point in a few people putting in effort and having everyone else wallow in self-pity. I just hate dysfunctional things in general. And our team is way beyond dysfunctional.

I try to, well, improve the dynamics a bit. Fixing it within the next few months will be a feat impossible to carry out. So that is out of the question. But my attempts to help always comes at a price – having my dad tell at me for doing absolutely nothing since I came home from training.

Well, I am fine with it. But sometimes, I do feel foolish for caring so much. And sometimes, I really wonder why I try so hard when I know I can never be good at it. And sometimes, I wonder if I should just chuck everything aside and mind my own business.

Like hello? You cannot even get your own life right and here you are helping others. Ironic. Please wake up your idea.

I think the constant brain washing has made me feel that paying special attention to other’s feelings is foolish and stupid. I cannot help but despise myself for being such a retard. Fuck, how do you spell retard? ME.

No idea why I am getting so worked up. Guess it is time for to sleep. So fuck this life of mine. I am such a joke.


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