Shush – now darling

Have I been putting you down so often that you feel so inadequate and short of my expectations?

Maybe my expectations are really too high.

It is only recently that I learnt time is really short. Both of are flooded with our own commitments so even though we see each other every single day, we are, more often then not, busying with our day to day routines. I have to admit that I am struggling with this because I am someone who really treasures quality time. And I really do like to spend a lot of time with the people who mean the most to me. On my part, this is something I have to deal with. I cannot always expect everyone to have time for me or have their schedules centered around me.

Next, majority of the time, I am upset rather than angry. And I am upset with myself, not you. I am told often that I am not a very understanding person. I am working on it. I am trying to cut down on my demand and moderate my requests. Sometimes, I choose to keep mum even though I want something because I feel that the opportunity cost is too high. I will rather you go ahead with your original plan. I do not want to seem overly demanding or suffocating. In fact, I think I am really lax with you. I am always asking you to carry on with your plans and place myself as the backup plan. I am really trying to understand things from your perspective and spare a thought for you. You life cannot possibly be revolving around me. But sometimes, it feels as though your life does not even involve me.

I know I am a hypocrite for telling you to share how you feel when I myself have trouble being extremely honest and frank with you. I just do not want you to change your plans because of me. Sometimes, I really do not know how to put it because you always end up degrading yourself. I do not want to bring up anything that will spoil your day. Especially not now when I know there is a lot on your mind. You do not say much but I know. I can tell that you are not exactly yourself lately.

Choosing not to ask you about it because if you wanted to tell me, you would. So I suppose you are able to handle and deal with these issues yourself so I shall not interfere. Then again, not like I can do anything to help.

Then, there comes my dad who asks me who’s jacket am I carry around and I told him a guy friend. With a sigh, he said – do not start all these again. Sigh. Maybe I should end it all before he finds out. Least I can say it is over and I will not have to explain myself. Sigh. I really do not know how to face myself if they find out about of us. What am I going to say now? I am a needy girl who needs someone there with her? I knowingly broke my promise.

Trying it I hide everything but you always end up knowing that I am feeling bitter because I am not very good at hiding my emotions. Sigh. How else can I not make you worry and hide how I feel.

Sudden urge to distance away from you. I need some space. Space to breathe and mend my own wounds. The number of time I have cried because of you. I am not even disappointed or what not. I am just extremely hurt that the tears keep flowing. Hurt by the way you put yourself down – I am not even blaming you. Hurt by how you always feel like you fall short of my expectations – how can you not see how much you mean to me and that all these stupid things I get angry at does not even matter (I am a spoilt brat). Hurt by the fact that I am really trying very very hard to be there for you and when I get mad and things screw up you will set yourself on self destruct mode. Hurt by the fact that whatever I am doing is not enough and that I cannot seem to improve things between us. I feel super helpless. I am really really helpless. I have exhausted everything I can think of.

I do not even know what is up with you lately. Believe me I am really trying to put aside my petty nonsense so that I can attend to you. Sorry for falling short.

Fuck. I really do not know what else to do. I just need some me time. Least I can do is settle my own issues without having to trouble you.

The people that love you the most are always the ones who you hurt the most.

Please no puffy eyes tomorrow thanks.

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