Insomnia – I need sleep

Old habits die hard.

Once again I am reverting back to my old habit of staying up late to study and sleeping my day away in school. I suppose it is somewhat good because I am actually spending time to study and all instead of heading to bed early. But then again, I rather have a normal routine, those of a normal human being’s.

The stress is building up bit by bit. Everyone else is done, if not almost done with their seasons and CCA commitments, and here I am training three times a week. Granted, the competitions are only two weeks away, but I really want to get this done and out of the way. All I can think about day in and day out is how I am dying to train properly. Stressed up and super unhappy that I have been sick for quite a while and I cannot seem to recover fully. This has been some major stumbling block for me. My speed and stamina is getting from bad to worse. I am barely half as alert as I used to be during trainings. Sigh stressed out. I really want to give this competitions my all. Least my year’s effort does not go to waste.

Studies. Oh, the bane of my existence. Wouldn’t life be so much better without academics. Remedial after remedial. Warnings after warnings. I hear you. Tell me something I don’t already know. There is so much I do not know and have yet to read up on. So much so I do not even know where to start. Drowning in the continuously growing pile of tutorials and revision packages. Revision what revision. I haven’t even done my tutorials. Truth be told, I hate daydreaming during lessons but I catch nothing so what else can I do to kill time? If only I hadn’t let my personal life affect me so much in J1, I wouldn’t be struggling so badly now. No point crying over split milk now, I am trying to go back to the fundamentals and learn everything all over again. But time is running out and the pressure is on.

I am not even going to ask for a break. I cannot afford it. I just wish that I will be able to handle the stress and not have some major mental breakdown. And the strength to focus and pull through the last half of the year. Whatever the results may be, I really cannot be bothered anymore. I just want finish this part of my life knowing that I tried my best.

However, thus far, best is word I cannot use because I haven’t tried at all.


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