Withdrawal – yay or neh

Every time I get upset, my natural instinct would be to withdrawal from people and stay within the safety of my comfort zone. Sometimes, it is just easier to keep quiet than try to explain yourself.

But the whole world is talking about being open and upfront with your feelings. Oh, “you need to share with others how you feel so they can better understand you.” I, myself, am guilty of preaching that.

I do not see what is wrong with withdrawing when I am upset. Why do always have to be so frank and open with my feelings. Why can’t I just retreat back to my own little space. Why is it such a sin to push everyone away for some me time.

Every time, I walk away to be alone, things get a bit out of hand. Maybe the way I handled it is wrong. But I need time to be away from everything, to cool my head and rationalise. I am so bad at keeping cool and convincing myself to control my emotions. I have to let it go, but neither do I want to create a scene in front of everyone so I leave. Perhaps it is a form of escapism. Whatever it is, at least it works.

Yet time after time, everyone has been telling me to try and keep my cool. Yeah I am trying, I just cannot do it in front of people. The desire to be isolated and left alone is pretty strong whenever I am upset or angry. My already slow brain needs time (lots of time) to rationalise.

Again and again, people tell me to open up. But no. I do not want to. Not when I have not thought things through. Not when all feel is strong extreme emotions. I let my heart rule my head most of the time. Why say something I do not mean because I let my emotions get the better of me?

So please, just let me leave. Let me retreat into my corner. Let me feel safe. Protected and not vulnerable. I am trying to tear my walls down but every now and then, there is the desire to block everyone out. Times like those, let me build my wall. Let me stay within my fortress. Don’t worry, I will be fine. Trust me, when the time is right, I will lower the drawbridge for you.

Be patient with me. I am not a very open person.

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