Being – real

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While the entire world is worrying, I cannot help but feel at peace. Extremely at peace.

Those who know me can vouch to the fact that being calm and composed was never (and is never) who I am. I am always the first one to go into a fluster. The one who frets about the most ridiculous things.

But this time round, I am completely zen. Since I knew about the release of A level results, there hasn’t been a single moment when I am worrying about it. Not even once.

No, I am not confident of my results. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if I do terribly. This will probably be one of my worst performing exams till date, yet I am not a least bit worried. Not to mention, this is also probably the most important examination I have sat for thus far.

I would like to believe that this is the calm before the storm but I know for a fact things will be different this time. No matter now bad things turn out, I will still be thankful that I survive that trying period of my life. Having been through so much in the last couple of months, what can a bunch of As Bs Cs do to me.

Of course, everyone hopes to do well. So do I. I am not going to lie. Being the top dog of the family. Being the “role model” to some. Being the daughter of overly-achieving parents. There is a certain standard to uphold. Image and status rather. And trust me when I say it really sucks to have to continuously strive to be in the elite group. And the worst part is, I am not doing it for myself. I am not doing it because I want to be at the top. I am only doing it to please others.

Stupid huh. I think so to.

I am sure everyone will jump right in and say – stop living life to please others, live life for yourself.

Ask the old me and she would say – easier said than done.

Ask the new me and she would say – easier done than said.

When you learn to see that results are just results – a bunch of numbers and alphabets printed on a piece of paper. They don’t define you. Mess ups don’t define you. What defines you is how to respond to what life throws at you.

I haven’t been dealt the best hand of cards lately. To say everything is fine – a far cry from reality.

I can choose to lament all day. Go on and on and on about how much life sucks. How unfair things have been. I can sulk and question God, asking Him why He allows such things happen to me. I can get angry at the world. Hate everything. Hate everyone.

(Oh wow, I am finally crying since who knows when.)

Or I can choose to pick myself up. Suck it up and move on. I can choose to believe that God can turn things that are meant for evil into good. I can learn to love people even more. See that sometimes it is a blessing in disguise.

The thing about life is that you always have a choice. As much as I always complain that many things are way beyond me, I have learnt that I do possess the power to turn things around.

In a game of Bridge or Hearts. You have no say in the cards you are dealt with. But you can still change the outcome by choosing to throw out certain cards strategically at various points during the game. Likewise, you can never anticipate what life may bring but you can control how you react to things.

And this time round, I choose to be different.

I choose to be thankful – I have been immeasurably blessed in the most interesting of ways.

Whatever happens later, let it happen.

For all the worried souls out there, here’s a song I chanced upon. I hope it brings you as much peace and comfort as it does to me.

As I lay me down
Heaven hear me now
I’m lost without a cause
After giving it my all

Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun
After all that I’ve been through
Who on earth can I turn to?

I look to you
I look to you
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong

I look to you
I look to you (yeah)
And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song I look to you

About to lose my breath
There’s no more fighting left
Sinking to rise no more
Searching for that open door

And every road that I’ve taken
Led to my regret
And I don’t know if I’m gonna make it
Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to you
I look to you (yeah)
And when all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong

I look to you
I look to you (oh yeah)
And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song
I look to you

My love is all broken (oh, Lord)
My walls have come (coming down on me)
Crumbling down on me (all the rain is falling)
The rain is falling (hoo!)
Defeat is calling (set me free)
I need you to set me free

Take me far away from the battle
I need you to shine on me

I look to you
I look to you
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong

I look to you
I look to you (yeah)
And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song
I look to you (yeah)

I look to you
I look to you

I Look To You

~ Whitney Houston

This will probably be as real as I can get.

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