Wow it is really hard to type out a simple heartfelt post. When I am alone, I will always tell myself I am going to mention this this this, but when I get on my laptop and attempt to get down to writing, my mind blanks out. Where should I start from? How much should I cover? What is relevant to the issue? My thoughts are all over the place and I cannot seem to piece them in a way that is comprehensible. I rather be the usual ambiguous and dark (to quote a friend of mine) person I am and post some vague two liner post. Some feelings simply cannot be conveyed through text. Nonetheless, I shall try.
As many would know, I changed drastically since school ended and one of the most drastic and evident changes that took place is that I rarely talk about what is weighing on my heart. Can you believe it? The girl who used to get frustrated easily and was constantly ranting about something every few hours can go on days, weeks and months in fact without breathing a word about her troubles. Even I am surprised at my capacity to keep things to myself. For better or for worse, that is an issue best left for another day.
My whole point of including the second paragraph is to provide some context and allow you to better understand what I am about to say. Truth is (yes, finally a very very very truthful post), this issue has been bugging me since late April (if my memory hasn’t failed me). The initial thought or idea is well very much different from what I actually did and, for now, I would like to keep it to myself because there is a slight possibility that it might come to pass. I shall wait for the right time (that is if it is meant to happen). Anyway, I am not going to beat around the bush. I decided to post this with a specific intent and that is to really clear the air (if I can phrase it as such).
I have absolutely no idea if you will ever see this but I hope someday somehow you or someone you are close to sees this. And before I carry on I would like to say that I have no intention to victimised myself or seem like the all-forgiving on. Trust me, I went through my own share of negative emotions but right here right now this is how I truly feel. So yes, the truth is I have been wanting to contact you since late April. The “why then” and “why that” is totally irrelevant at this point so whatever back to the story. But every time the thought came up, I just brushed it aside. Like what for? What is there to talk about? Is it really necessary? At least I did not see a point in meeting up or catching up with you. We would probably bring up the past and start evaluating it. I mean that’s all we have to talk about, apart from the small talk. But what is the point of bringing up the past when it is over? Why even bother evaluating something that has already concluded? And honestly, whether or not the friendship is restored it doesn’t really matter to me anymore. Come on, I have been through enough failed relationships to know that it is close to impossible to become close friends again (don’t even think about my second one, we might be on talking terms but I would only consider him as an acquaintance at best). So then, why did I keep getting that nagging feeling of wanting to ask you out. God knows why, I thought about it a lot and I still have no answer.
I only consulted a friend (after that person probed and I finally gave in) and with that person’s affirmation and encouragement, I went ahead and asked you out a couple of weeks back. The rest that followed, you already know (well obviously). All I want to say is that it really took a lot out of me to decide to do it (and it wasn’t just a “oh I remembered you existed and decided to catch-up with you”). Sorry I lied. I am not looking for any specific respond. Do I have a reason to ask you out? No. Do I have something to say? No. I have absolutely no reason no nothing. Honest.
But yet at the same time, I really feel like I owe you a few words. I know I have already said somethings along the way. However, aloof or mean or dickish it sounded, I am sorry. I cannot even remember what I said (I lost my phone and the data) but I can imagine how bad it must have sounded. There is some truth in what I said previously (from what I can recall) but I guess it wasn’t the entire truth due to various reasons which I shall not elaborate on. I didn’t want to text you as I did not want to seem overly enthusiastic or (for lack of a better work) desperate about mending things between us. Hence, the blog post.
Yes, it doesn’t matter if we still keep in contact or not but I am not going to deny that I miss having you around as a friend. Sometimes, I like to think about what It would have been if we stayed as just close friends but then again I took a gamble and there is always an opportunity cost (note the economics reference, much studious). No denying that I am still human and the flesh is weak. I hated. I was bitter. I was upset. Yes yes, I was the revengeful person who wanted to rip you apart and make you suffer. Okay no, I don’t think I was that consumed with anger but well you get my point. I was upset.
All the unhappiness aside, I was filled with guilt and regret. I am (still am) very very very sorry I got you involved in my extremely messed up life. To be honest, I actually owe you a “thank you” because you save me from my second one. If you hadn’t appeared, I would have continued to wallow in sorrow and my JC life would have been so dull. You brought so much colour and happiness to my life during that two short years I got to spend with you. As they say, at the end of the day, what are the memories you want to keep close to your heart. Sure, you weren’t perfect. Sure, we weren’t perfect. But I very much would like to keep the happy memories. Sometimes, I look back and laugh. Oh gosh, we were such a public embarrassment. The fun and joy-filled times are how I would like to remember us (how ever delusional I may seem right now).
You really taught me what it meant to be an obedient child (you have no idea how guilty I felt every time you obeyed your mom’s instructions). You thought me what it means to live simply and be happy. The list is non-exhaustive. I am really grateful I got to catch a glimpse of who you really are on a personal level and am most definitely happy that I could share something more with you. Looking back, I have no regrets.
At this juncture, I would like to apologise for any hurt I have cause you. If I have damaged your outlook on life or love or whatever. If by any means the whole episode has cause you to have negative outlooks on things, I am so sorry. I think you should know me well enough to know that it hurts me more when others get hurts (especially if I am the one who caused it). I know sorry doesn’t mend wounds. Sorry doesn’t even do anything. I would do something if I could but I can’t. So I guess I shall just leave you with a few words (you can forget whatever junk I was babbling about above but I hope you remember this).
It really doesn’t matter what is going around out there. What people say about you, about me, about us. Let them say what they want to say. You believe in what you believe. And I believe that you are so much more. I think I have never said this to you before but despite all the constant teasing about how lazy you are or how bad your grades are I always knew that you are the super duper smart but lazy kind who is destined to do great things. Honest, cross my heart, that’s why I kept nagging at you. I really do not know where life will lead you and whether our paths will ever cross again but I hope and pray that one day you will become that greater person that I always saw in you.
So that sums up the whole post (oh my, I am so long-winded, guess somethings don’t change). All the best in army and may you in time to come find the one who is meant for you. Stay happy and fun-loving!