It is not often (nowadays that is) that I really express how I feel. I seem to have lost my ability to truly convey that which is on my mind. But on this rather nostalgic night, I would like to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who has put up with my rather (make that very) unpredictable behaviour. Thank you for being my source of support and strength.
I am weird. I am emotional. I am definitely a handful. And many nights, I wonder what I did to deserve all this. (Why am I sobbing.) You guys are more than I can ask for. Family and friends.
Truth be told, I am not exactly having a good time now (as many of you have already guessed). Maybe I am tired of the meaningless hustle and bustle of life. Or maybe I am just bad with change.
I am emotional. I am sentimental. There are things I have yet to forget and others I have yet to let go of. No doubt, life moves on, I get busy with school and all but there will always be nights when I look back and wish I had done things differently. Sometimes, I cannot bring myself to forgive others. Other times, I cannot forgive myself for hurting others.
This constant struggle to make peace with my past is really wearing me down. How do you look forward when you keep looking back. How do you learn to love yourself when you keep beating yourself up.
I truly truly truly miss everyone who used to be in my life but have now going their separate ways. I miss those who are still close but are currently caught up with their own life even more. Sometimes, I really wonder if everyone will really drift apart and grow distant. Perhaps we really do live a life of solitude.
They say times of solitude allows you to rediscover yourself. It allows you to collect yourself and understand who you are as a person. While that may be true, I must say it gets very tiring. To have to go through my day to day routines and not have anyone(s) to “go home to” wears me out. (Or maybe I am just too needy. Am I?) Or perhaps, I just need to get used to being alone.
Whichever the case, I hope that one day I will be able to come to terms with everything.
Finally, somethings off my chest. Feeling very blessed tonight.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
To be left all alone scares me the most.