It has been a while since I felt this blue.
The past few months have been nothing but red and yellow, red and yellow, Red and Yellow, and maybe a tinge of purple. It feels as if it is abnormal that I am this blue. As if I forgotten what it means to feel blue.
What is this strange feeling. Wait, am I even allowed to be this blue.
So much has changed since uni started. I got caught up with work. Met new people. Picked up new things. Wow, life really seems much better now that I think about it.
But as much as life is getting better for me, it seemed to have gotten worse for some. And being the typical me, I took it upon myself to stay happy and positive. Amidst all the chaos. Right, chaos, is such an understatement. Struggling with submissions and reports due one after another. Frustrations when dealing with group mates who are so oblivious to the competition out there. Swimming in individual assignments that I have yet to start on. Oh not to forget the extreme sleep deficiency. (How did I make it our alive, amazed.)
Right. On top of all that squiggly mess (if I could draw that out it will look like a unkempt version of a bird’s nest), there was consoling the broken-hearted. Comforting those mourning over lost loved ones. Calming the restless and stressed. Encouraging the unnerved. Injecting a bit of happiness into a seemingly dark and gloomy world. (Wait, I did all that on my own. Wow.)
It wasn’t that I was faking or anything. Well I was genuinely happy then. Well, not happy happy (I mean how am I suppose to be happy when all the deadlines are crashing down on me) but I was doing fine. Just fine enough to get me through the day. Just fine with a bit more to give.
Till date, I cannot quite comprehend how I was even capable of having so much strength and drive and will and.. all the other synonyms of perseverance. Sure, I was stressed out (yes, I did feel like ripping some group mates apart). Sure, I felt like dying (you had no idea how badly I wanted to sleep). But something inside of me kept telling me to take things one day at a time. A step at a time. Stay positive. Take it easy. And laugh freely. I need to do it. For myself. For others. And somehow, I did.
Then, here I am feeling as blue as the blue on the Twitter, Safari and WordPress icons. Perhaps even bluer, like the Microsoft Word icon on my Mac. And it feels strange. Like a tingly feeling I have never been felt in while. Familiar but unusual.
Too much yellow. And now when blue mixes in , it feels odd. Odd. Weird odd. No, just odd. As if I am not allowed to feel this way. Been a while since I have taken the backseat. And now, it really does feel like I have to put up a front because everyone is so used to the positive and, well, noisy me. But what if I want to be silent. What if I want to be negative. Sapphire. Navy. Midnight. Oxford.
Am I allowed to.
Have sometime to myself.
To stare at a distance.
And feel blue.
Sometimes we give so much that we end up losing ourselves.