After – you


Maybe love just works like this.

Maybe even after all these time, I will still miss running my hand through your hair. Leaning on your boney but broad frame will still be my favourite thing to do when I am with you. Tilting my head to your neck and catching a whiff of your shampoo. Head and shoulders. No Neutrogena. Or was it Garnier. You laughing at how I can never remember what brand will still be my best memory of us. Seeing you smile will still warm my heart.

Maybe every time I see you, I will still get nervous. Looking into your eyes will still send my heart racing at a hundred kilometres an hour. Being around you will still make me feel at home. Silly jokes. Quirky expressions. Holding back on mean comments will impossible.

Maybe once in a while, I will still think about us. Smiling foolishly as I recall the stupid things we did will still be part of my bus rides home. Hearing our songs will still remind me of how you will get a tad angry when I forced you to sing. You never liked singing. You said you can’t sing and sound like a frog. Neither can I. But no one cares when it is just us. Still, you always get annoyed. You were cute like that.

Maybe on your birthdays, I will still wish I could undo some things. Not showing you what you really meant to me will still leave me with regrets. Getting upset at you for the silliest of reasons will still haunt me in my sleep. Accidentally getting too close to good guy friend will still be thing I wish I hadn’t did. Cross my heart. I never had anything for him. Never did. Never will. Still, it hurt you.

Maybe sometimes in the night, I still wish we had second chance. Hugging with the stuff toy you gave me will still be the only I can fall asleep. Staring at the ceiling feeling that you are so close yet so far will still make my heart sink. Wishing I could make up for everything will still be the last thought on my mind. Was young and foolish. Am older and still in denial.

Maybe for the rest of my life, I will still have a soft spot for you. Text me in the middle of the night and I will still stay up talking until you fall asleep. Reading too much between your lines will still give me tiny false hopes. Getting all close and then leaving will still be something I let you do over and over again. Asking myself why will still be a question I ask myself all the time. And I may never have an answer. But I guess that’s okay.

Maybe you will always mean something more to me.

Maybe I will always hold you close to my heart.

Maybe it will always be this way.

But maybe I need to understand that even though you will always be very dear to me. I cannot go back to five years ago. I cannot undo anything I did. I cannot fix this broken trust. I cannot heal two broken souls. I cannot keep you.

I cannot make you love me again.

So even if this is all it is going to be for the next five years.

I can live with that.


I guess this is what they meant when they said – first true love.


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