Her – late night thoughts

I am tired of waiting around. Waiting for a reply of some sort. Tried of rationalising so much. Tired just tried.

I’m not upset that you have other commitments. Family time. Work. What nots. We all have commitments. I don’t expect you to give me all of your time. But I do expect you to give me some of your time.

I’m upset because I know if it were me, I would try to stay awake a bit longer to catch up with you for a bit. I’m upset because I would have given more. I’m upset because I did in fact give more but you didn’t. 

I’m upset because it seemed like you didn’t even try. Came and go as and when you liked. Said a few lines for the sake of it. And then disappeared. But I waited like some idiot. Pushed myself to stay awake a little longer. Hoping for the slightest chance that you would be awake. You ain’t the only one who is exhausted.

It is hard enough that every holiday I barely get to spend time with you. Everyone is overseas with their better halves and every holiday I just wait for their stupid letter to take you away.

Just the other day, it finally hit me that the only only only time we went out proper was for my birthday. The rest were just dinner or lunches or studying together. Maybe a few hours on the couch here and there. I joke about it. I laugh it off. But sometimes, it’s really quite sad that I just don’t get your time. Not much of it at least.

I knew what I signed up for. I knew that time was hard to come by. And I’m okay. I’m okay with not being able to fly off and see the world together. I’m okay with short meet ups. I’m okay.

But I’m not okay that you take my patience and understanding for granted. Just because I put up with it doesn’t mean you can just sit back, relax and not try. Even appreciating the effort is enough. It doesn’t make much to say thank you.

Maybe it’s be being a salty ass bitch again. Maybe it’s me being unreasonable again. Maybe it’s always just me being unhappy.

But I really really hate it when my efforts are not reciprocated or at least appreciated. Hate it. And I’m tired of expecting so much.

So this is me taking a step back. Taking the back seat. I don’t want to put in so much only to get short changed and hurt again.

I am tired.


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