Don’t – forgive me

  

Because I never forgave myself. I could never let go of the fact that I destroyed us. And I don’t expect you to understand but I was  afraid.

Only if you knew the hurt and the pain I’ve put myself through will you understand why I was so afraid of you. You were too good. Too good to be true. I kept thinking that I didn’t deserve this and one day it will be taken away from me. True enough, here I am all alone again.

Do you know what it feels like? To have someone you finally thought you could settle down with. Someone who brought out the best in you. Someone you wanted to work it out with. It scares the shit out of you. 

I got scared. I got so damn scared because that’s not normal. Not normal by my standards. None of my exs made me feel like getting my shit together. None of them gave me the time to heal and open up. None of them but you. 

I didn’t dare believe I finally had the person I was wishing for. I kept pushing. Kept running. Kept hiding. I didn’t know if you were real. I didn’t know how any of that was real.

I’m so used to the constant meltdowns. The brokenness. The fights. That when all of that went away, I got scared. Our okay wasn’t normal to me. And I get that you couldn’t understand that. But if one day you do, know that I didn’t mean it. I never meant for any of this. I loved you. I truly did.

But now you’ve messed me up just like those before you. And on days I can’t find it in me to forgive you. I hate you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for giving the time to open up and you walk away when I bore all my scars to you. Sometimes I wish I never met you. I hate you.

But I love you too. So please understand that my broken heart is still trying to love. Understand that I’m falling apart because I hate myself for doing this to you. I hate myself  for still loving you after you checked out on me.

I hate you but I love you. I love you but I hate you. I don’t even get it myself so I wouldn’t expect you to get it.

Get out of my life. I don’t want to see you again.

I do it so often it doesn’t even hurt anymore.  

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