A considerable amount of time has passed since you left. And I can’t help but feel like I am still secretly holding on. Maybe it’s the disbelief. Maybe it’s the unacceptance. But with each passing day the only thing that grows is my longing and love for you.
There are days I feel so hurt that I want to walk right up to you and slap you in the face. Give you a piece of my mind for screwing me over. But even when the heart is so full of anger and hurt, it still chooses to forgive. Whatever you did to me, hurt a tonne. Felt like a truck rammed into me and shredded me up into bits. But this still small voice in me always tells me to forgive. It was a struggle.
I know I messed it up. I know I let my insecurities get the better of me. I know you tried so hard to keep it all together. But I know, too, that the way you ended things just wasn’t fair. I will accept my share of responsibilities but, now, I know better than to keep blaming myself. You were at fault too.
Perhaps when it all came crashing down, I shouldn’t have probed further. I shouldn’t have pushed you to the edge. I shouldn’t have begged you to stay. Maybe I could have handled the break better. But you could have too.
Four months has passed since we went our separate ways. But there hasn’t been a time when I stopped wondering how you’ve been. Between praying and hoping that you’re doing fine is a longing that some day we will be able to sit down and talk things out.
But then again, I ask myself – what else is there left to say. Words won’t change reality. Knowing your reasons won’t change your decision. So why do I want to know. Frankly, I’ve asked myself that over and over again and I still have no answer.
I don’t know what I want to know. I don’t know why I want to know. Neither do I know why there’s this tingly little spark of hope in me. Truthfully, if you were to ask me to reconcile, I would be delighted. But I would turn you down. I know I am not ready. I’m not ready for you. Or for anybody for that matter. So what exactly am I so hung up about?
Maybe you’re over me. Maybe you’ve move on. Maybe you’ve seen how we could never be. But I haven’t. And I don’t know why I just can’t let this go.
However, amidst all this chaos and conflicting emotions, there is this overwhelming peace within me. One that knows wrongs will become rights. That hurt will be overcome with love. That you and I will be alright. It’s almost as if I know God will do something in our lives.
I don’t know what making things right between the both of us means. Together. Not together. Friends. Not friends. But whatever the end result might be, I just know it will be the best for us.
So maybe I’m holding on because I have this gut feeling that this is not over. But maybe that’s just me not facing up to reality. Whichever the case, I know I’m ready to let this go yet.
I have no idea how you’ve been. Dead or alive. Happy or sad. Missing me or over me. But one thing I know is that you’ve thought me how to love. Not only through the love you’ve showed me when we were together. But, more so, through the love I can still show you despite everything that you’ve done to me. This love goes beyond the affection I have for you. It’s this very deep, seemingly unconditional, love that sees beyond your mistakes and still loves you nonetheless.
Maybe I’m never meant to be your other half. But at least know I know what it means to love someone in spite of all that they did to hurt you. And as cheesy as it sounds, I am beginning to believe that maybe, love really does conquer all.
Maybe a few years down the road I will read this and realise what a fool I was. Or maybe I will realise that I was right all along. Whichever the case. This is how I have always felt since the break. And will probably continue to feel for some time to come.
If it’s meant to be, let our paths cross again.